the butterfly effect

please. save me from another draft of forgotten post. please.

i started to feel scared and insecure. i don't want to lose the ambience of excitement; of feeling the adrenaline rush when i did something spontaneous (stupid, for some). the more i think of it, the more the bleak is. of course the best thing in life is when we know what we want to do next without losing grip of reality; which is to appreciate the present. the present. in the morning, i'm looking forward to the evening. when evening is there, i'm looking forward for the night. and in the night i'm longing for the morning. yeap, i do eventho it's working day. i should stop looking forward, aint i? i should just enjoy what is here. here with me.

talking about time, that brought me back to the butterfly effect. i watched the first one, starring Ashton Kutcher (my bestfriend and I used to drool whenever the sight of him greeted us in the magazine when we were still the high-schoolers). so this movie has this so-called alternate endings. well, i think it suits the most with the theme as the main character could go back to the past and fix thing. that's the thing about this one. i was always wondering if i could have another chance to re-do things, to fix the problem, to say what i've always wanted to say without worrying about the consequences because if this real life is that movie and if i were the main character has this power to go back, i'd definitely gonna say what's there in my mind. or do things. like, bungee jumping. ors slap people. or put up my hand and answer the question that i didn't even know what the answers are. or just simply go to you, and bravely say "dude, I'm always waiting for you to say something fisrt. if you say yes, i'd breach the contract for you." even if i got rejected, ashamed of what i did or said, i could always go back and fix it. i'd leave the words hanging in my mind. so that's the thing. this real life is not the butterfly effect. i don't brave enough to take chances, let alone take the big risk especially when your future, or friendship or relationship, or careeer is at stake. the real life butterfly effect is we get to choose one way, and there's no way we could go back. we just have to pretend/accept the choice we made was/is good enough. even if it doesnt hold on to it and make it better.

on the other note, one of the endings has Oasis' stop crying your heart out as the soundtrack. couldn't be better, that one! you don't encounter a movie with a wow effect so frequent in your life. as for me, this one- the butterfly effect- is one of them!

be therefor you

yeah, the title speaks for itself.
i dont usually know what i'm gonna write.when i wanted to write, i just did. i dont really care about the post title, just randomly mentioned about things. that's a sign of flexbile (maybe) and might be also showing how fickle i am. it's for you to judge, and me to decide.

as i am writing right now, i feel so much grateful for having certain people that seem to be there when i need them. everytime. that equals to my guilty for always letting them down due to my ego or to do what i wanted to do.

let me give you an example:
I hate watching cartoon. okay, hate is a strong word. i dislike watching cartoon except cinderella, beauty and the beast (and all that related to earlier disney production). most of my girl friends loveee cartoons. and most of them, too, don't like scary/patriot/boring movies like the shawshank redemption, or perfume the perfect story of a murderer or those traslated Dan Brown's books into movie which i like very much. when the movies are out i practically forced them to watch the movies with me. well, these type of genre might not be their preference, but they still like it. what i'm trying to say here is, i always give excuses not to tag along when it comes to cartoons. mind you, i never invented any excusesbut all of sudden i have something to read, or to do assignments, or to have me-time or to play squash. those said excuses and can actually be postponed but i choose to do them instead of going to cinema with them.

there's a tad proof of selfish there. i know.

so when i am thinking of it right now, it's time to be more flexible. life is all about give and take. i could not just take, but i also have to give. and vice versa.

there's a point in my life where i think i give too much that i should. love, that was. here's the thing about love. sometimes, we love the wrong person for the wrong reason. I mean, what would i love that much to a person that would not even want to have plans with me? it was hard when you were the only one who tried to keep the fire burning while the other rather let it died. yeah i know. i was young and immature. but luckily, i managed to struggle to move on without being hopeless and waiting for something that would never be mine. regret? yeap. i regret those time spent thinking, wondering, hoping that there was a slight chance for us. i regret for the time i was deeply sad for things not behave the way i wanted them to be. it was hard. really. but it also came together with some messages if we look at it closely;

1. we can be as much as hopefull as we want, however bear in mind, Allah has a better plan for you.
2. we can actually teach ourselves to feel.
3. respect ourselves, first and foremost. if we don't get what we want, life doesnt end because of that. we can either pursue, or let it go. fully let it go.
4. and it's true. Allah will not burden us more than we can bear. we might fail a few times even after a few trials. like i still am failing in that so many aspects that i want to improve. but like i said in the previous post, fighting against our weaknesses is part of jihad. lets do it!

Life. it's wonderful, isn't it?

i've read somewhere about this:

"Melawan kelemahan diri merupakan salah satu jihad. mungkin hanya jihad kecil, tapi tetap jihad."

Judge

i hate it when people started to judge people based on their past. there was a time when i was so good judging people around, meanwhile i forgot that Allah judges my characters.

so don't judge. even if some people we know are terribly bad, treat them right not please them. when you don't like someone's behaviors but you please him/her at the same for whatever reason it is, that's where the problem start.

;)

change of heart?

i think people write because they know what to write. i actually assume that. well, blogging is not fun anymore. hence, i've started to believe this;

hearts change. people move on

a few years back, there weren't so much things to tell but lengthy entries. but now, even to come out with a single entry is hard enough.

dont bother to brag about the trip to singapore.
dont bother to rant about works.
dont bother to share about the conflicts.
dont bother to tell about those trips to penang, colmar with friends.
dont bother to even do the book/movie/music reviews.

so yeah. people move on because their hearts change. and i move on from something that i used to like to do because I have change of heart and found something better that suits my present interest.

happy sunday, friends.

seriously, blogging is not that fun anymore.
and it isn't that bad too.

ranting

seriously, blogger?
you do have the new layout that makes it harder for me to write. this whole new thing distract me from my thoughts, my original ideas that i wanna pour in here.
so hiii people. i know some of my friends are still reading this blog and my absence is due to my mental block and the increase of my laziness to write.as usual, nothing much to share pun. however, for tonight, i am bored with reading. you better get a copy of Mitch Albom's For one More  Day. it's a good book.

so here are few things i wanna say out loud/silently in here.

1. i dont know about you and i dont want to know, but i still could not see the objectives of bersih. seriously? the riots, the chaos and such. i know government has not been that perfect and good and they are corrupted by some irresponsible people in there, but hey stop being idiots and fight for your rights like that. it's just make malaysia looks bad.

2.what's the fuss about being friends with your exes? oh come on. he/she was there in your past. i dont care. what we should care about is our own feelings. if we clearly don't get over the exes, still don't make peace with ourselves about how the relationship ends, dont start a new one. i know it's hard to get over someone that you ever had feelings for them, but trust me it's just the heart playing the trick. do you seriously think Allah will let us keep thinking about the same person for our entire life meanwhile he/she is happily building home with someone else towards jannah. of course not. as muslims we all know He is fair. eventually, there'll be someone else in our life. dont rush into marriage. there'll be the right time, with the right person. insyaAllah. wahhh i sound so matured. hehee..just saying. this is basically based on reading, little portion of experience.
funny, i'm not someone who is, hurm...how to put it, erm.. you know, the ustazah-kind but maybe i am coming from all-girls boarding school, so i dont really see the point of having boyfriend. i mean, all the things that you do with your boyfriend, you can do it with your boy friend. so i think it's better to wait until i am ready enough to make a commitment. i started thinking like this since i can remember. what's wrong with me? because if you know me, i'm not the cool type, or the..well you know, that kind of people. but that's what i've been holding on until now and it doesnt do any harm so i'll stick to it. of course i have my fair portion of crushes (hello, there were activities involving Sassians or Sdarians) but that was it. we called, we smsed and we became friends. some are still last till now. i mean, as friends. the main point is, we should know the arah tuju of a relationship. if it's better stay in friendship, then let it be. and if we want more than a friendship but he/she doesnt want the same thing, respect the decision. if we look at it thoroughly, it's not only about their decision of rejecting you, it is in a way, and bear in mind it also shows Allah has someone else reserve for you. lets put us in their shoes. if they keep pushing you, they keep wanting you more than just friends by over reacting (assuming we dont like them back and we just want to be friends) of course eventually we'll get annoyed. so everybody must respect each of individual's feeling. it's our own problem to deal with our own feelings and we dont want it to be a laughing stocks on the other side right.

3.human beings always want things they dont even need. like, if you're using S2, but you keep wanting iphone4 which you dont even need it, tak ke tak bersyukur namanya tu. pang! kene muka sendiri.

good nighttttttt!

happiness

Happiness comes in many ways. When we know it's there, dont ignore it, but treasure it.

it felt like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulder. Alhamdulillah.

and seriously, I couldn't be happier for you. you're a friend and will always be that way. no worries ;)

wedding preparation

i caught you by the title, ain't I?

I'm not even close to an engagement, whatelse to get married. i was thinking hard on what to share in here because as i told you i'm left with no words to describe my life right now.

i was so eager to blog about my trip to USS but the excitement melted down when i touched the keypad. that was last year. there were/are a lot of interesting events occured but i am just too lazy to blog about it even to put up on status on facebook.

good night

regret

Alhamdulillah.

have you ever realized how this word would actually mean so much if we recite it sincerely?
i mean, we human beings might have few regrets in our life. but when we think of it, it's okay to feel so because that's how our mind works; to have regrets on certain things however i don't think that should be an excuse for not thanking god for all that He has bestowed upon us. here's the thing. whenever we feel lack of something, remind ourselves all of good things that are here within our grasp.
regret means for us to improve.

so thats it.

good night.

too much coffee?

i had nescafe for breakfast.
i had coffee for morning tea.
i had ice latte for lunch.

caffeine. that was what i had. that is all i need for a sleepy day.

good night.

;)

complicated bubbles

sometimes, i dont understand why people choose to live in a complicated way.
sometimes, i dont understand why I (myself) choose to think in a complicated way. why do we have to take the difficult turn here and there and why we bother too much of what others may think about us when actually in real case, they never think of you. never. even if there is, it's only a little. trust me.

I also don't really understand why must some people hide their own feeling (like me?). i'd like to believe that i am a very simple girl that sometimes tend to think too much whenever i feel like it. i'm a bit emotional towards certain things. from a very little experience that i have plus insight from Jab we Met, it's okay for you to show your real feelings to others. be it love, crush, hatred and such.

Example:
1. I don't like B. Whenever B talks to me, I couldn't care less. I don't even smile at B.
if I keep doing the abovementioned, B wouldnt know the problem. say, there is a real problem. the best way is, to actually talk to B about the problem and try to lessen the intensity of the problem.

2. I have a crush on C. All of sudden C becomes shy when I'm around or vice versa.
this kind of situation will never happen if I accept the fact that I actually like C. so what? and since C is the admired and I'm the admirer, then C should bear in mind there's nothing to be shy of and respect my feeling. by time, the crush will fade away.

those said examples are just examples and theories. well, just saying.

main point is, I'll try not to be so complicated in my thinking and assumption. I guess i never really am pun. ;)

Issey Miyake Florale

boleh buat tak tidur malam. aku mahu satuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

one tree hill

*teary eyes*

not due to sadness of real life, but it's more of the soup opera i've been following all these years dated back to 2003 - One Tree Hill.

this was the main poster for it. i think it was season 3 or 4.

Tree Hill is mainly about friendship, love triangle, families. for those of you who watch this series from the start, we could see how a bad boy becomes a man, a very good husband and father. Mark Schwan has really done a very good job by putting the dialogues all together because there are just too many memorable quotes in it.

this is my favourite:

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.

Peyton Sawyer.

it's never too late for those of you who have never watch this series to start.

the point is, tonight's episode (S09E11) saddens me. Forgiveness is never easy to seek from someone that was once your enemies, but if the intention is right, eventually things will always get better. like Dan Scott, for example. so you see, there are thousands excuses to keep the old flaming anger, and sometimes it only takes one moment of truth to change all that.

happy birthday amizah

It’s a few days late but I still want to wish a very happy birthday to my dearest friend, Amizah Azid. We shared too much secrets together. We walked too many miles together. We counted too many stars together. We berangan to much together. We learned to appreciate life by the friendship we’ve built thus far. There are just so much sweet memories that I know I’ll keep forever in my heart. Ups and downs.

Who cares about distance when we have viber and whatsapp.

new best friend

if you ask me, I would say everybody actually knows what they want in their life. It’s just whether they have the ability to pursue what they want or not regardless the circumstances.

Me. I usually want to hear what people may say whenever I wanna buy something or try new things. More often than not, I found myself follow what I really want to do/want to buy. Because human beings always know what they want, sometimes what they need. I’m a human being. When we reach a point where we think we are clueless then it’s time to sit down and think. There are always friends to help us out. Don’t be so arrogant in this world.

I’ve always wanted a vaio. Macbook might be tempting but I always know I want a vaio. a red vaio. but hey this is life, I end up with a silver which I think is better than the red one.

I will try write often because now I have a new laptop. ;)

this is random

1. we really should be grateful and thankful for what we do and don't have. i always believe Allah provides more than we ever ask for. and what He gives us basically all of our needs.

2.i name my blog based on song titles. this blog used to be called as "more than words".

3. there are so many rooms for improvement. however, I'm too stagnant to change.

4. i talk things that dont matter to people that dont matter in my life.

5. the hard part of moving on is not looking back.

6. I miss my life in UTP. then, i tell myself there's nothing to miss when memories is always there. and people who was there is also are still here in the present. it's just the distance. well, distance is just miles/kilometres.

7. i really should start reading.

8. good night. :)

happpy!

i woke up this morning and realized that i'm not an engineer. the title of my position speaks for itself. so i think, sooner i'll begin my mission to be one.

truth is, i love my job. no. love is a strong word. i like my job. it's okay. i mean, it's really okay. i like the people around too. however, all of sudden, i seriously want a change. i got fed up with numbers. we'll see how it goes then.

before i closed my eyes to sleep last night, a thought struck to my mind. all this while, i do know that i enjoy communicating so much. i even measured relationship/friendship based on conversation. i like it when my friends (most of them are) know how to keep the conversations going. i can talk for hours over a coffee or teh tarik. but seriously babe. you cant measure any relationship/friendship solely by communication. there is comfortable silence. there are people who talk less and listen more which are very interesting. as the time passed by, i'm blessed to know a few of that type.

when i'm in the middle of a conversation, i dont really think. sometimes i say something that i didnt even mean to. maybe it hurts but oh well, i couldnt take my words back, could i? hence, i'll try to change that habit bit by bit. looking back at old photos, mostly time spent in utp, i can say i'm a happy kid! remember, we are happy when we are grateful. so be grateful because usually Allah provides us more than what we ever ask.

till then!

there's a first time for everything.

"i was not familiar with the international monetary or financial system when it faltered and soon after threatened to implode on us in 1997".
Tun Mahathir quoted from A Doctor In the House.

and he managed to handle that currency crumble.

so my problem of not understanding what im currently assigned is not really a big deal. i just have to learn and understand.

besides, i have more than i could ever wished for. :)
alhamdulillah.

if i'm so wrong how can you listen all night long

hi there.

i feel like deleting this whole thing. i mean, this blog. seriously. what should i say in here? i'm left with no words and nothing to say more out loud. maturity is kicking in, y'all. might as well forget the existence of this blog until my granddaughters/grandsons find it in the future. who knows.

well, if you like running on the treadmill or jogging, pretty please download all MCR's songs. it just feels so good and right to run/jog with a playlist of just their songs.

off to read.

...and sleeep.

good night.

the things u dont have to bother reading

i'm getting lazy to write day by day.
day in day out. not the same routine.
i wanted to come out with a long entry. but sharing my feelings is little too personal, for me to bear these days. this is an aging sign. it has to be because i was the kind that could not keep things on my own. well now, look how far i've reached.

i had severe headache today. some girls are lucky because they dont have to go through monthly period pain. but it's not that easy when the replacement is  terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible headache. not fun. not fun. not fun.

so that's all the momentum that i have for now. off to sleep.

good night.