the ideal mommy

ideal. means, in my head which has yet to be reality.

since my mother is very good with cookings, i always have this vision that i should be good at it too for my kids.

below might be my routine;

I wake up at 5 am in the morning.
prepare breakfast for the kids.
waiting for their school bus.
send the youngest to nursery.
go to office as early as i could (with the assumption i will still be working at the same company, with same flexible working hours)
at 5 pm, pick those chatty, cute kids of mine and go home. listen to their stories at school (kids have a lot to share! i know because i would tell my mother everything of what i did at school. not only her, i would repeat the same story to my father, late grandfather and my grandmother too)
ask the eldest to look after the rest while i'm busy at the kitchen preparing dinner.
teach them reciting quran/muqaddam after maghrib prayer.
have dinner.
help them with homeworks while facebook-ing. hehee
read them bedtime stories.
by 10 pm i go to sleep.

sounds simple eh? i bet it's a lot harder to do it later on. hopefully i have all positive energy in the world to accomplish this. I don't insert my future husband's role because I am thinking as an individual. it'll be a lot easier when he comes into picture. insyaAllah.

okay, lets compare my routine now;

wake up at 6 am for subuh prayer.
continue sleeping until 715. (i don't know since when i instilled this habit because i seldom sleep after subuh back in utp. ishhh)
prepare myself to go to office. arrived around 830 am.
Leave office at 6 pm.
If i dont go straight home, i'll go for dinner or playing squash (which is also a rare case these days) or coffee.
At home, watching tv. borak with housemates.
Go to room, spend time browsing youtube or watching series then sleep.

it's gonna be tough in the future. hence, i should be tougher. (ouchh)

okay good night!

late night talk

i was never a structured writer, from day one of blogging. i never am till now. but i will try to put my thoughts in line so people can actually get the point of what i am trying to say.

comprehension.

back in school, english was one of my favourite subjects becasue it was light and easy. unlike physics, you have to understand the concepts and application. come to think of it, there are so many aspects in life where we can apply physics. for example, inertia. it does matter in life, don't you think? not just physically matter, i mean even our internal emotion does apply inertia. if you are reluctant to do something that we should do, there's a huge inertia that we have to overcome. hence, inertia matters, people!

back to the first topic-english. i enjoyed english when we have to do the essay; the creative writing. i like spending the two solid hours writing, pouring down my thoughts into a simple yet interesting story depending on the questions given. i don't know how does the SPM question works these days, but during my time we could choose 1 out of 5 topics. usually, i would go for a question that i could simply carve out plot and story line.

years later which is now, i realize my life is not all about creative writing which is light and easy. it involves a lot more. all bits and pieces from physics, biology and even maths. yes, i don't really apply those quadratic equations before deciding what's to have for breakfast but there is something i learnt back then can be applied here. frankly, i don't really bother to understand at the first place, but it's a lot easier when we actually do. from there, we could define our own momentum in life. i might be slow in certain things, hopefully i am not stagnant. insyaAllah.

the past year has taught me quite a few new things.

1. i don't always get what i want. not sure whether what i got is what i needed. i believe so and still am trying to understand the reasons behind.
2. open heart and mind can accept almost everything. I'd like to relate the concept here is redha. what a simple word with a great depth of meaning.
3. love is a great force. what a shame to let your tears rolling down for someone but rarely cry for those sins we made daily.
4.don't give up on amanahs given :) just don't.

selamat malam.

it's been a while since the last time i blogged. i mean, to really write down my thoughts in a structured manner. i guess when we were young (i meant to say; when i was younger) i had so many things to say out loud. my range of topics was wider as like i could write for hours, spent my time typing frantically trying to string every word in one sentence. those days are gone, dearies. all we have now is me with this think mental blog, leaving this blog untouched for quite sometime, and then return with some portion of thoughts that failed to be told properly. this is a phase everyone (or just me) has to go through. aging process!

so lets go to the very first topic that crossed my mind - Adam Mukhriz. almost everyone now is hooked up to this new drama on tv. actually, it's a novel, translated into a movie (tv series) that is now showing. with a very good soundtrack featuring Hafiz (gosh, his voice!) and Malaysian Diva-Dato Siti is a terrific combo. Here's a thing or two i know about Adam from the novel. at first, i don't quite agree the producer chose Aaron Aziz to play Adam's role. well, yeah it's undeniably true and obvious Aaron has the credibility of how a pilot should look like- handsome, tall, buff and such but hey there's more for a character. for Adam's character. from the novel he has this one side of him that is funny and getting matured along the way. As for Ain Hawani, i have no comment. why? because i kinda menyampah with her character. merajuk ape panjang-panjang macam tu. all in all, for that novel, I'd give 7/10.

home sweet home

i am trying to make use my free time while waiting for train for example to blog,like Anis. i'm the kind of person who always wait for the right time to do something if there was not any dateline. hence,the procrastination.

alhamdulillah.

a good person opened up my eyes today and keeps reminding me to focus more.dont wait.just do it.there's not gonna be any perfect time or the most right time to do something. if i could do it now,then now it is. hence,this post.

i spent two days in Kerteh with my good friends and i tasted worldly heaven. there's this one good feeling whenever you are with your good friends.you can talk about almost everything and everyone. i wish i could write more.but i am so sleepy right now.so till then

Testing

Hi,
Testing. Well im now blogging directly from my ipad. Alhamdulillah. I made my mind and seriously best gile. Go getttt oneeee!!!

hope

Hope.

Pause.

I wrote about it not a long time ago. And tonight, for some reasons I’m going to write about it again. In different manner and maybe different ideas. Let’s see how it goes.

Hope is sharp. It cuts deep in your veins and keeps you bleeding. Hope is not something that people around you can easily snatch it away from you, throw it far until you couldn’t see. it won’t be gone the next minute or next hour after you decided to get rid of it. No! it doesn’t work that way. It takes habit to purge from the falls hopes. It takes conscious mind and time. Time is the healer which owns the power. In this case “eventually” is a big word. Huge word.

Hence, choose your hopes wisely. Do hope wisely. And put your hopes in His hands because only He knows best.

midnight talk

My mother is one of the coolest people I’ve ever known in my entire life. My father might kill me for this statement but sorry abah, even you is not cool like mom. Hehe..peace.

I can talk for hours with her, about almost everything. That includes; crush/potential boyfriends. I don’t like keeping my emotion bottled up inside especially whenever I had rough days. After all, she’s just a phone call away evethough we’re physically miles away.

Tonight I realized that I’ve been away from home since I was 13. Since my birthday is on October, basically I left home when I was 12. For the first few months were the toughest time of my life in boarding school. I cried almost every night, alone. This is the thing. If you are a happy person, easily amused and laugh for not so funny jokes, you prefer to cry alone rather than show it to others. I’ve read it somewhere. I’m not a cry baby but lets be honest, people do cry sometimes. We cry when we sad or disappoint and sometimes because we feel so grateful. That’s what people do – cry when they need to.

So here’s the thing about my mother. I’m very close to her. I think in her eyes, I’m still 10 although I know I don’t even look like one. But regardless how difficult my life at some point (frankly, I couldn’t quite figure why I’m so emotional at times and felt life is difficult when it actually not a biggie) I never cried to her. Maybe because I have this level of reserved ego, or maybe I just have this tendency not to share my sadness with others. There’s nothing fun grieving on problems. Talking about/grieving about problems are two distinctly different things you know. You’d better define it correctly or people will eventually get bored listening to your ranting. For god sake, people can just listen; they can’t do anything about it. It’s you who decides. The power is in your hand. But I know, it feels nice to vent out about worries to others. I’m a girl. I know how does it feel and work. We like to complicate simple things. Well, that’s normal.

I’m learning and still absorbing the fact that my decisions or plans are not always right and the best. Experiences tend to prove this theory. At first I thought, my lack of judgement incurred all of this dissatisfaction. Then, I learn about the fact everything happens for reasons. Not because Allah doesn’t love or abandon us, but it’s one way to teach me a very good lesson and proof what’s been said in Quran is true ; An-Nisa’;19. (it may be you dislike a thing but Allah brings through it a great deal of good).  Lets hold on to that and become a better muslim. Off the record, for now, I dislike excel. Yeah, that Microsoft excel. But through it there’s gonna be good thing for me. insyaAllah.

songs

My baby you

Do you know that this song is actually dedicated for his daughter named Arianna? If you didn’t, now you know right.

Well, I have ears for good songs with good lyrics. Be it funky songs, sad/melancholy songs. I know I got this from my mom. She loves listening to radio so much. You have no idea. I don’t really like to admit it, but I think I have a soft heart. I could even cry just by listening to a good song because hey, how could someone compose such a beautiful melody.

There are a few songs that I can never get over with. One of them would be Keroncong Untuk SyazANA. Lol. This definitely a very beautiful song but I wish it will never be dedicated to me from any guys. Dude, this song is real sad and the meaning is deep. Hopefully no one would love me that much if it’s written I would never return his feeling.

I first came to know about this song back in 2004 when Adam (AF2) had to perform during the show. Let’s be honest. He literally butchered the song since it’s not his genre. Few years later, I started to like it when I downloaded the real version of this song and I fell in love with it right there and then.

Post note: there was this one guy who introduced me as Ana to his friends. I thought that’s Very sweeeeeet okayh but a friend of mine who was there found it annoying and according to her that nickname does not suite me at all. Haha..One of the reasons thermodynamics class/tutorial was never missed. Sadly, the feeling comes and goes. No matter how excited I was in the beginning, it fades away. Well, younger days. ;D

about him

This is the 10^th Ramadhan without him.

I was 5 when I was all so clingy and wanted bike ride in the evening. Stopped at some stall for roti canai and teh ais.

I was 6 when I followed him to the paddy field and got lost. I was very panic since I could not find him anywhere. I nearly cried but I knew I did not. I panic but I tried my best to find my way back.

I came home running, smiling. I proudly told him that my tok guru (quran teacher) said I could start reciting quran for the next class. For us kids back then, it was such an achievement if you could pass the muqaddam test and proceed to read Al-quran. The next day, he came home with a red Al-quran and ordered rehal (beautifully carved woods to place the quran while reading). I marched to the class pompously- all confident to start my quran lesson. I was 7.

I define that as the most precious gift that I ever received.

I was in boarding school when my warden called me into her office and broke the news. One of the two important men in my life had gone. The kind of “gone” that I couldn’t just search facebook or google to find his whereabout or just for a few hours to the paddy field and came back home tired. Then, who would buy me my favourite roti canai and teh ais or wake me up for subuh (fajr) prayer. I was not very shock since deep down my heart I knew he would not stay longer but I never expected that sooner. So I thanked my warden and asked permission to go back to class. I looked out the window and tears were strolling my cheeks. The grass outside never been that greener. I felt something had been snatched away. I felt lost. What would I do to cope with the fact that from that day onwards, there would be no him during semester breaks. So I cried. I cried silently in my sleep, in my prayers for the next few weeks.

The last few years, I searched for a torchlight for whatever reasons. That was 5 years after he’d gone. Then. I saw his baju melayu hang on the railings, and I cried right there and then. I guess that’s the effect when you dearly love someone and you miss them terribly. I think people cry because they miss people they love who love them even more.

I think I cry because I miss him so much sometimes. The accumulated portion of miss. And knowing that was one of the best blessing in my life, I should be more grateful. Not everyone has the opportunity to live with their grandfather like I did. Not just live together, the memories created and shared, the lessons. So yeap, Alhamdulillah.

Al fatihah to my dearest wan- Darus Bin Abu.

:)

* "For the rest of my life" was very popular back in 2010. the carefree time with assumption of no morning class to attend even though there was. i remember we went out for lunch on a fine sunday and the song was on air. well, yeah the music is soothing, the lyrics are OK. i don't give much care of it and obviously not listed as my favourite. but, one of the lyrics really really really captured my heart;
guess which one?

"..and i pray we're be together in Jannah..."

tears strolling down out of nowhere right there and then.

as muslims, we all know, getting there alone is not an easy road. there are so many hurdles yet it is possible. and to reach there with someone you think you love now but maybe after few years of marriage you might bore each other. i don't know. i haven't been there yet but hopefully, i can love my future partner as much as i love my parents and maybe, just maybe with His blessing, He would lend me someone who can love me as much as my parents do. InsyaAllah. Truthfully, I don't expect much since I'm not that good either. After all,it's already mentioned in Quran; Perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik and vice versa. I have so many flaws, really. uncountable. I'll try to improve bit by bit (especially this month is a good practice to do a turning point little by little).

I've read a lot of english/malay story books/novels back in primary/high school. most of the plot stories, if not much, always involve about love and such. from there, I've made some mental definition of love. Mother's love is always and always and always in the purest form of love. Like, seriously. Moms can accept all our strengths/weaknesses and behaviours. they tell us to bounce higher. to do something better. to never give up. most importantly, they accept us as we are. if there are crook habits in us somewhere along the way, they'll make it straight. it's really not an easy job, but they do it anyway. that's what i define love. that is one main reason why we girls have to find someone who is capable to love us like our mothers do, and to love him back like his mom loves him; willing to understand us and we too are willing to understand back; to grow old together.
i have fond memories of my late grandfather and my grandmother. I could see how much he loved her till his final days. when I think about him, I could never thank Allah enough for letting him to be a part of my life for 14 years. And I'm glad he bought me a very precious gift that still can be used untill now or 50 years from now even :)

Lets be someone better than yesterday :)

tafakur

lagu yang terpaling deep lyrics and meaning dalam semua-semua lagu. yang ada di playlist tapi jarang gila dengar sebab dalam folder called nasyid. tapi bila dengar once in a while, ya Allah, rasa jauh gila, rasa kerdil gila. semua masalah-masalah dunia tenggelam bila sedar ada masalah yang lagi besar. masalah dengan tuhan bila mana penghijab kalbu between diri dengan tuhan menebal. astaghfirullah.

Tafakur-Zikraa

"Pimpinlah aku dalam redhaMu, kasihi aku dalam rahmatMu, hanya kau tempat ku mengadu, ya Allah ya tuhanku"

Budi manusia pun kita kenang, inikan pula budi Allah pada kita. huhu..

maybe this is the finding for last week's sadness. so its true, there must be a reason for everything. maybe we dont know but He knows best. hands down.

Good night.

thank you

too bad this blog is mute for the past weeks.

All in all, Alhamdulillah.

-there's still food to eat on the table.
-there's still book to read.
-there's still air to breathe.
-there's still time to repent.
-there's still love to share.
-there's still days to look forward to.
-there's still hopes even small to hold on to.

all in all, alhamdulillah.

hope

how can you actually define hope?
how?

hope. that is one big word. maybe as big as discipline in my term.
maybe as big as passion.

i don't know. and at this point of time, i don't think i wanna know.

you know what hurts the most? for being hopefull towards something but in the end it doesn't belong to you. no matter how hard you try. then, you try to be hopeless towards that thing, whatever you want to define that thing, but in the end you still get dissapointed because even you already ignore it the max, it still is bothering your thought. it still lingers around. it's hard to admit, that you might actually ignore it, but you still care for it. you still yearn for it. you still want it.

so maybe here's the point where you should really look closely. maybe the more you want it, the more you think about it, the more you are stepping away from Allah. one of my my good friend used to say;

what you think during performing solah, might be the reasons for the gap between you and Allah.



and now, please replace the word you with I; and it with him.

conclusion: besides hope, redha is also a big word. big big word.

and you think wrongly if you think i'm talking about him instead of you. this is for you. and only you.

letting go for the first time was hard but the second time is harder. and I'm trying. doakan.

the butterfly effect

please. save me from another draft of forgotten post. please.

i started to feel scared and insecure. i don't want to lose the ambience of excitement; of feeling the adrenaline rush when i did something spontaneous (stupid, for some). the more i think of it, the more the bleak is. of course the best thing in life is when we know what we want to do next without losing grip of reality; which is to appreciate the present. the present. in the morning, i'm looking forward to the evening. when evening is there, i'm looking forward for the night. and in the night i'm longing for the morning. yeap, i do eventho it's working day. i should stop looking forward, aint i? i should just enjoy what is here. here with me.

talking about time, that brought me back to the butterfly effect. i watched the first one, starring Ashton Kutcher (my bestfriend and I used to drool whenever the sight of him greeted us in the magazine when we were still the high-schoolers). so this movie has this so-called alternate endings. well, i think it suits the most with the theme as the main character could go back to the past and fix thing. that's the thing about this one. i was always wondering if i could have another chance to re-do things, to fix the problem, to say what i've always wanted to say without worrying about the consequences because if this real life is that movie and if i were the main character has this power to go back, i'd definitely gonna say what's there in my mind. or do things. like, bungee jumping. ors slap people. or put up my hand and answer the question that i didn't even know what the answers are. or just simply go to you, and bravely say "dude, I'm always waiting for you to say something fisrt. if you say yes, i'd breach the contract for you." even if i got rejected, ashamed of what i did or said, i could always go back and fix it. i'd leave the words hanging in my mind. so that's the thing. this real life is not the butterfly effect. i don't brave enough to take chances, let alone take the big risk especially when your future, or friendship or relationship, or careeer is at stake. the real life butterfly effect is we get to choose one way, and there's no way we could go back. we just have to pretend/accept the choice we made was/is good enough. even if it doesnt hold on to it and make it better.

on the other note, one of the endings has Oasis' stop crying your heart out as the soundtrack. couldn't be better, that one! you don't encounter a movie with a wow effect so frequent in your life. as for me, this one- the butterfly effect- is one of them!

be therefor you

yeah, the title speaks for itself.
i dont usually know what i'm gonna write.when i wanted to write, i just did. i dont really care about the post title, just randomly mentioned about things. that's a sign of flexbile (maybe) and might be also showing how fickle i am. it's for you to judge, and me to decide.

as i am writing right now, i feel so much grateful for having certain people that seem to be there when i need them. everytime. that equals to my guilty for always letting them down due to my ego or to do what i wanted to do.

let me give you an example:
I hate watching cartoon. okay, hate is a strong word. i dislike watching cartoon except cinderella, beauty and the beast (and all that related to earlier disney production). most of my girl friends loveee cartoons. and most of them, too, don't like scary/patriot/boring movies like the shawshank redemption, or perfume the perfect story of a murderer or those traslated Dan Brown's books into movie which i like very much. when the movies are out i practically forced them to watch the movies with me. well, these type of genre might not be their preference, but they still like it. what i'm trying to say here is, i always give excuses not to tag along when it comes to cartoons. mind you, i never invented any excusesbut all of sudden i have something to read, or to do assignments, or to have me-time or to play squash. those said excuses and can actually be postponed but i choose to do them instead of going to cinema with them.

there's a tad proof of selfish there. i know.

so when i am thinking of it right now, it's time to be more flexible. life is all about give and take. i could not just take, but i also have to give. and vice versa.

there's a point in my life where i think i give too much that i should. love, that was. here's the thing about love. sometimes, we love the wrong person for the wrong reason. I mean, what would i love that much to a person that would not even want to have plans with me? it was hard when you were the only one who tried to keep the fire burning while the other rather let it died. yeah i know. i was young and immature. but luckily, i managed to struggle to move on without being hopeless and waiting for something that would never be mine. regret? yeap. i regret those time spent thinking, wondering, hoping that there was a slight chance for us. i regret for the time i was deeply sad for things not behave the way i wanted them to be. it was hard. really. but it also came together with some messages if we look at it closely;

1. we can be as much as hopefull as we want, however bear in mind, Allah has a better plan for you.
2. we can actually teach ourselves to feel.
3. respect ourselves, first and foremost. if we don't get what we want, life doesnt end because of that. we can either pursue, or let it go. fully let it go.
4. and it's true. Allah will not burden us more than we can bear. we might fail a few times even after a few trials. like i still am failing in that so many aspects that i want to improve. but like i said in the previous post, fighting against our weaknesses is part of jihad. lets do it!

Life. it's wonderful, isn't it?

i've read somewhere about this:

"Melawan kelemahan diri merupakan salah satu jihad. mungkin hanya jihad kecil, tapi tetap jihad."

Judge

i hate it when people started to judge people based on their past. there was a time when i was so good judging people around, meanwhile i forgot that Allah judges my characters.

so don't judge. even if some people we know are terribly bad, treat them right not please them. when you don't like someone's behaviors but you please him/her at the same for whatever reason it is, that's where the problem start.

;)

change of heart?

i think people write because they know what to write. i actually assume that. well, blogging is not fun anymore. hence, i've started to believe this;

hearts change. people move on

a few years back, there weren't so much things to tell but lengthy entries. but now, even to come out with a single entry is hard enough.

dont bother to brag about the trip to singapore.
dont bother to rant about works.
dont bother to share about the conflicts.
dont bother to tell about those trips to penang, colmar with friends.
dont bother to even do the book/movie/music reviews.

so yeah. people move on because their hearts change. and i move on from something that i used to like to do because I have change of heart and found something better that suits my present interest.

happy sunday, friends.

seriously, blogging is not that fun anymore.
and it isn't that bad too.

ranting

seriously, blogger?
you do have the new layout that makes it harder for me to write. this whole new thing distract me from my thoughts, my original ideas that i wanna pour in here.
so hiii people. i know some of my friends are still reading this blog and my absence is due to my mental block and the increase of my laziness to write.as usual, nothing much to share pun. however, for tonight, i am bored with reading. you better get a copy of Mitch Albom's For one More  Day. it's a good book.

so here are few things i wanna say out loud/silently in here.

1. i dont know about you and i dont want to know, but i still could not see the objectives of bersih. seriously? the riots, the chaos and such. i know government has not been that perfect and good and they are corrupted by some irresponsible people in there, but hey stop being idiots and fight for your rights like that. it's just make malaysia looks bad.

2.what's the fuss about being friends with your exes? oh come on. he/she was there in your past. i dont care. what we should care about is our own feelings. if we clearly don't get over the exes, still don't make peace with ourselves about how the relationship ends, dont start a new one. i know it's hard to get over someone that you ever had feelings for them, but trust me it's just the heart playing the trick. do you seriously think Allah will let us keep thinking about the same person for our entire life meanwhile he/she is happily building home with someone else towards jannah. of course not. as muslims we all know He is fair. eventually, there'll be someone else in our life. dont rush into marriage. there'll be the right time, with the right person. insyaAllah. wahhh i sound so matured. hehee..just saying. this is basically based on reading, little portion of experience.
funny, i'm not someone who is, hurm...how to put it, erm.. you know, the ustazah-kind but maybe i am coming from all-girls boarding school, so i dont really see the point of having boyfriend. i mean, all the things that you do with your boyfriend, you can do it with your boy friend. so i think it's better to wait until i am ready enough to make a commitment. i started thinking like this since i can remember. what's wrong with me? because if you know me, i'm not the cool type, or the..well you know, that kind of people. but that's what i've been holding on until now and it doesnt do any harm so i'll stick to it. of course i have my fair portion of crushes (hello, there were activities involving Sassians or Sdarians) but that was it. we called, we smsed and we became friends. some are still last till now. i mean, as friends. the main point is, we should know the arah tuju of a relationship. if it's better stay in friendship, then let it be. and if we want more than a friendship but he/she doesnt want the same thing, respect the decision. if we look at it thoroughly, it's not only about their decision of rejecting you, it is in a way, and bear in mind it also shows Allah has someone else reserve for you. lets put us in their shoes. if they keep pushing you, they keep wanting you more than just friends by over reacting (assuming we dont like them back and we just want to be friends) of course eventually we'll get annoyed. so everybody must respect each of individual's feeling. it's our own problem to deal with our own feelings and we dont want it to be a laughing stocks on the other side right.

3.human beings always want things they dont even need. like, if you're using S2, but you keep wanting iphone4 which you dont even need it, tak ke tak bersyukur namanya tu. pang! kene muka sendiri.

good nighttttttt!

happiness

Happiness comes in many ways. When we know it's there, dont ignore it, but treasure it.

it felt like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulder. Alhamdulillah.

and seriously, I couldn't be happier for you. you're a friend and will always be that way. no worries ;)