about him

This is the 10^th Ramadhan without him.

I was 5 when I was all so clingy and wanted bike ride in the evening. Stopped at some stall for roti canai and teh ais.

I was 6 when I followed him to the paddy field and got lost. I was very panic since I could not find him anywhere. I nearly cried but I knew I did not. I panic but I tried my best to find my way back.

I came home running, smiling. I proudly told him that my tok guru (quran teacher) said I could start reciting quran for the next class. For us kids back then, it was such an achievement if you could pass the muqaddam test and proceed to read Al-quran. The next day, he came home with a red Al-quran and ordered rehal (beautifully carved woods to place the quran while reading). I marched to the class pompously- all confident to start my quran lesson. I was 7.

I define that as the most precious gift that I ever received.

I was in boarding school when my warden called me into her office and broke the news. One of the two important men in my life had gone. The kind of “gone” that I couldn’t just search facebook or google to find his whereabout or just for a few hours to the paddy field and came back home tired. Then, who would buy me my favourite roti canai and teh ais or wake me up for subuh (fajr) prayer. I was not very shock since deep down my heart I knew he would not stay longer but I never expected that sooner. So I thanked my warden and asked permission to go back to class. I looked out the window and tears were strolling my cheeks. The grass outside never been that greener. I felt something had been snatched away. I felt lost. What would I do to cope with the fact that from that day onwards, there would be no him during semester breaks. So I cried. I cried silently in my sleep, in my prayers for the next few weeks.

The last few years, I searched for a torchlight for whatever reasons. That was 5 years after he’d gone. Then. I saw his baju melayu hang on the railings, and I cried right there and then. I guess that’s the effect when you dearly love someone and you miss them terribly. I think people cry because they miss people they love who love them even more.

I think I cry because I miss him so much sometimes. The accumulated portion of miss. And knowing that was one of the best blessing in my life, I should be more grateful. Not everyone has the opportunity to live with their grandfather like I did. Not just live together, the memories created and shared, the lessons. So yeap, Alhamdulillah.

Al fatihah to my dearest wan- Darus Bin Abu.

:)

* "For the rest of my life" was very popular back in 2010. the carefree time with assumption of no morning class to attend even though there was. i remember we went out for lunch on a fine sunday and the song was on air. well, yeah the music is soothing, the lyrics are OK. i don't give much care of it and obviously not listed as my favourite. but, one of the lyrics really really really captured my heart;
guess which one?

"..and i pray we're be together in Jannah..."

tears strolling down out of nowhere right there and then.

as muslims, we all know, getting there alone is not an easy road. there are so many hurdles yet it is possible. and to reach there with someone you think you love now but maybe after few years of marriage you might bore each other. i don't know. i haven't been there yet but hopefully, i can love my future partner as much as i love my parents and maybe, just maybe with His blessing, He would lend me someone who can love me as much as my parents do. InsyaAllah. Truthfully, I don't expect much since I'm not that good either. After all,it's already mentioned in Quran; Perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik and vice versa. I have so many flaws, really. uncountable. I'll try to improve bit by bit (especially this month is a good practice to do a turning point little by little).

I've read a lot of english/malay story books/novels back in primary/high school. most of the plot stories, if not much, always involve about love and such. from there, I've made some mental definition of love. Mother's love is always and always and always in the purest form of love. Like, seriously. Moms can accept all our strengths/weaknesses and behaviours. they tell us to bounce higher. to do something better. to never give up. most importantly, they accept us as we are. if there are crook habits in us somewhere along the way, they'll make it straight. it's really not an easy job, but they do it anyway. that's what i define love. that is one main reason why we girls have to find someone who is capable to love us like our mothers do, and to love him back like his mom loves him; willing to understand us and we too are willing to understand back; to grow old together.
i have fond memories of my late grandfather and my grandmother. I could see how much he loved her till his final days. when I think about him, I could never thank Allah enough for letting him to be a part of my life for 14 years. And I'm glad he bought me a very precious gift that still can be used untill now or 50 years from now even :)

Lets be someone better than yesterday :)

tafakur

lagu yang terpaling deep lyrics and meaning dalam semua-semua lagu. yang ada di playlist tapi jarang gila dengar sebab dalam folder called nasyid. tapi bila dengar once in a while, ya Allah, rasa jauh gila, rasa kerdil gila. semua masalah-masalah dunia tenggelam bila sedar ada masalah yang lagi besar. masalah dengan tuhan bila mana penghijab kalbu between diri dengan tuhan menebal. astaghfirullah.

Tafakur-Zikraa

"Pimpinlah aku dalam redhaMu, kasihi aku dalam rahmatMu, hanya kau tempat ku mengadu, ya Allah ya tuhanku"

Budi manusia pun kita kenang, inikan pula budi Allah pada kita. huhu..

maybe this is the finding for last week's sadness. so its true, there must be a reason for everything. maybe we dont know but He knows best. hands down.

Good night.

thank you

too bad this blog is mute for the past weeks.

All in all, Alhamdulillah.

-there's still food to eat on the table.
-there's still book to read.
-there's still air to breathe.
-there's still time to repent.
-there's still love to share.
-there's still days to look forward to.
-there's still hopes even small to hold on to.

all in all, alhamdulillah.