hope

how can you actually define hope?
how?

hope. that is one big word. maybe as big as discipline in my term.
maybe as big as passion.

i don't know. and at this point of time, i don't think i wanna know.

you know what hurts the most? for being hopefull towards something but in the end it doesn't belong to you. no matter how hard you try. then, you try to be hopeless towards that thing, whatever you want to define that thing, but in the end you still get dissapointed because even you already ignore it the max, it still is bothering your thought. it still lingers around. it's hard to admit, that you might actually ignore it, but you still care for it. you still yearn for it. you still want it.

so maybe here's the point where you should really look closely. maybe the more you want it, the more you think about it, the more you are stepping away from Allah. one of my my good friend used to say;

what you think during performing solah, might be the reasons for the gap between you and Allah.



and now, please replace the word you with I; and it with him.

conclusion: besides hope, redha is also a big word. big big word.

and you think wrongly if you think i'm talking about him instead of you. this is for you. and only you.

letting go for the first time was hard but the second time is harder. and I'm trying. doakan.

the butterfly effect

please. save me from another draft of forgotten post. please.

i started to feel scared and insecure. i don't want to lose the ambience of excitement; of feeling the adrenaline rush when i did something spontaneous (stupid, for some). the more i think of it, the more the bleak is. of course the best thing in life is when we know what we want to do next without losing grip of reality; which is to appreciate the present. the present. in the morning, i'm looking forward to the evening. when evening is there, i'm looking forward for the night. and in the night i'm longing for the morning. yeap, i do eventho it's working day. i should stop looking forward, aint i? i should just enjoy what is here. here with me.

talking about time, that brought me back to the butterfly effect. i watched the first one, starring Ashton Kutcher (my bestfriend and I used to drool whenever the sight of him greeted us in the magazine when we were still the high-schoolers). so this movie has this so-called alternate endings. well, i think it suits the most with the theme as the main character could go back to the past and fix thing. that's the thing about this one. i was always wondering if i could have another chance to re-do things, to fix the problem, to say what i've always wanted to say without worrying about the consequences because if this real life is that movie and if i were the main character has this power to go back, i'd definitely gonna say what's there in my mind. or do things. like, bungee jumping. ors slap people. or put up my hand and answer the question that i didn't even know what the answers are. or just simply go to you, and bravely say "dude, I'm always waiting for you to say something fisrt. if you say yes, i'd breach the contract for you." even if i got rejected, ashamed of what i did or said, i could always go back and fix it. i'd leave the words hanging in my mind. so that's the thing. this real life is not the butterfly effect. i don't brave enough to take chances, let alone take the big risk especially when your future, or friendship or relationship, or careeer is at stake. the real life butterfly effect is we get to choose one way, and there's no way we could go back. we just have to pretend/accept the choice we made was/is good enough. even if it doesnt hold on to it and make it better.

on the other note, one of the endings has Oasis' stop crying your heart out as the soundtrack. couldn't be better, that one! you don't encounter a movie with a wow effect so frequent in your life. as for me, this one- the butterfly effect- is one of them!

be therefor you

yeah, the title speaks for itself.
i dont usually know what i'm gonna write.when i wanted to write, i just did. i dont really care about the post title, just randomly mentioned about things. that's a sign of flexbile (maybe) and might be also showing how fickle i am. it's for you to judge, and me to decide.

as i am writing right now, i feel so much grateful for having certain people that seem to be there when i need them. everytime. that equals to my guilty for always letting them down due to my ego or to do what i wanted to do.

let me give you an example:
I hate watching cartoon. okay, hate is a strong word. i dislike watching cartoon except cinderella, beauty and the beast (and all that related to earlier disney production). most of my girl friends loveee cartoons. and most of them, too, don't like scary/patriot/boring movies like the shawshank redemption, or perfume the perfect story of a murderer or those traslated Dan Brown's books into movie which i like very much. when the movies are out i practically forced them to watch the movies with me. well, these type of genre might not be their preference, but they still like it. what i'm trying to say here is, i always give excuses not to tag along when it comes to cartoons. mind you, i never invented any excusesbut all of sudden i have something to read, or to do assignments, or to have me-time or to play squash. those said excuses and can actually be postponed but i choose to do them instead of going to cinema with them.

there's a tad proof of selfish there. i know.

so when i am thinking of it right now, it's time to be more flexible. life is all about give and take. i could not just take, but i also have to give. and vice versa.

there's a point in my life where i think i give too much that i should. love, that was. here's the thing about love. sometimes, we love the wrong person for the wrong reason. I mean, what would i love that much to a person that would not even want to have plans with me? it was hard when you were the only one who tried to keep the fire burning while the other rather let it died. yeah i know. i was young and immature. but luckily, i managed to struggle to move on without being hopeless and waiting for something that would never be mine. regret? yeap. i regret those time spent thinking, wondering, hoping that there was a slight chance for us. i regret for the time i was deeply sad for things not behave the way i wanted them to be. it was hard. really. but it also came together with some messages if we look at it closely;

1. we can be as much as hopefull as we want, however bear in mind, Allah has a better plan for you.
2. we can actually teach ourselves to feel.
3. respect ourselves, first and foremost. if we don't get what we want, life doesnt end because of that. we can either pursue, or let it go. fully let it go.
4. and it's true. Allah will not burden us more than we can bear. we might fail a few times even after a few trials. like i still am failing in that so many aspects that i want to improve. but like i said in the previous post, fighting against our weaknesses is part of jihad. lets do it!

Life. it's wonderful, isn't it?

i've read somewhere about this:

"Melawan kelemahan diri merupakan salah satu jihad. mungkin hanya jihad kecil, tapi tetap jihad."