Monday Blues

I always see myself as an optimist. I think I was wrong because the thing is, I’m not that optimistic towards a lot of things. so now, I consider myself as a fun girl and a bit emotional. There, I said it out loud.

Being in all-girls school actually shaped your character. The movies we watch while we were young kids, the songs we listen to and the endless conversation we had are the key factors that build our characters and attitudes. Frankly speaking, I’m blessed because I am surrounded by many types of characters. Really. Some of my friends are really rational and I can discuss with them problems which I see as irrelevant in the very first place, but soon the perspective changed once we talk. Then, there this certain kind who are sceptical which I believe trying their best to be realist in every aspect of their live. I won’t say that’s wrong but this type of people won’t entertain your emotional turmoil at all.

The point is, appreciate the friends that you have. They are not perfect. The have flaws here and there, so do you. So I wanna convey a huge and mountains of “thank-you”s to my friends who stick around during my ups and downs. This little thing is often neglected but actually plays a big important role in our lives; the culture of saying thanks.

the job, the book and the songs

The time stealer.

Let me brief you an example:

I was about to blog. Then, there comes this advertisement on Samsung application that can be installed for photo editing for my phone and there goes 10 minutes of figuring that out. In those 10 minutes, I could actually write a single short entry. I can’t imagine how much time wasted between the interval to do the things that I plan (suppose) to do in my daily routine. Let’s hope you and I can really use up our time well.

Hi hello.

This weekend had been spent nicely, I would say. Scratched the fact that my room is still in a medium-messy state, everything else seems to be normal. Suffice to say, this is all I need from a weekend. To rest and to read and do some thinking. Early this morning, I woke up with an anxious feeling regarding the undone presentation pack. It’s about my job. I know I haven’t rant much on my job. One, because I don’t like it that much, frankly speaking. Two; I don’t know why but recently I read about stagnant people and all of sudden I felt like one. I tried to conceal the negative thought and did some thinking on how I can actually improve given the proper time and training, but all I wanted to do now is stop lying to my own self. Firstly, I have to accept the fact that what I’m doing right now is not actually what I had in mind when I first started my semester in UTP 6 years back. Secondly, if this is what I got, for now, then don’t try to tell me it’s not worth it. Obviously I thought I’m worth more knowing I’m the planner of my life, but hey I forgot that there’s a hand guide me all this while. Live with what you have to the fullest and strive more. I read the saying somewhere, and I will try to apply it. We’ll see.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower is not that boring after all. It has this effect that grips you all along.  It does also tell me how different for each individual and made me realize the beautiful of friendship.

Funny, when I pause and look back and realize certain things. one: I couldn’t bring myself listening to Adele’s Someone Like You because it used to hurt that much and today I can actually laugh about it. Two: A Thousand Years so much more nicer these days. In conclusion, I think my heart is gradually open for the right reason to love and the hopefully to the right person. InsyaaAllah.

my dearest

"Fifth, to stare at a yellowish photo, a kind of yellow that only happen due to time effect and knowing that the person in the photo is no longer around"- ANO, 2013

Looking at this photo caused the lump in my throat and the post-effect after looking at it is the teary eyes. The picture is not yellowish, but the later sentence is true. To realize that the old man in the photo is no longer around somehow triggered a few thoughts.

There’s no such thing as perfect love or perfect man in this world except for Rasulullah SAW, but in the little world of my own, he was and his love is beyond perfect for me. Really.

I realized he must be very special in my life because even the sight of his baju melayu managed to make me cry until now. It’s been 10 years since the last time he kissed my forehead.

How can I ever give up teh ais when we used to spend evenings together with it.

Until now, I’m blessed to witness a few solemnization; be it friends or close relatives. And the first thought crossed my mind would be he wouldn’t be there when my dad hands me over to my future husband. I’d say that is the saddest thought ever.

There is graduation picture of me getting the scroll from Tun Mahathir on my wall. Sometimes, I wonder it’d be better if he could be there too. I long to see him alive in one of my graduation pictures. I know it’s not right to think such way.

I wonder how I can love that much and it saddens me to think that he loved me much more. I’m afraid if my prayers never reached him due to my weaknesses as a muslimah. If that so, how would I ever repay all, I mean all that he had done for me. hence, I’m trying to be a better muslimah. I’m taking baby steps towards it. Amiin.

I guess this is the genuine love we shared. Even though he’s not around, the thought of him itself pulls me up and move me forward.

I am blessed. Alhamdulillah.

Feeling sunday

Of today

Leisure. Bliss. Defines by this:
Esok kerja jadi hari ini kita bersuka ria ok? Eh silap. Esok kerja jadi hari ini kita kumpul semangat dan semua positive energy.

Pengalaman memang ajar kita banyak benda. Its our own right to choose. All of sudden i feel blessed to have this blog. Like seriously.

Esok hari penting. Lusa juga hari penting. Bring it on!

feb 6!

in whatever you do, be discipline! it'll bring you anywhere.
have dreams. have vision. know your purpose in life. and don't forget we're dying and we'll be truly  living when we wake up to be judged.

-today's advice from different occasions; the talk i attended, the conversations i had, and the book i read.

good night :)

my pearls of thoughts

I love reading. I love listening to the instrumental music; alone in my room, preferably raining outside. I’m not sure if people would call me a dork if they know about this fact, it is what it is. Since I am so much in love with reading, I can start reading 3 books all at the same time, well you know it’s quite long to finish ‘em. Actually, I do have my own reason for that. If you know me for quite some time, you will notice that I am not someone who can focus into one thing for a long time. I’m blessed with this fickle mind towards liking on something, but thank god, not a fickle heart.

If you know me a while longer, then you would notice that I talk quite a lot. I talk about silly things, not a very important stuffs I would say and I also laugh on average jokes or might be considered not in the same code of funny zone. Hopefully, I can improve on this matter. Maybe, start talking about serious stuffs. I don’t know. We’ll see how it goes.

A good friend of mine pointed out that I can get really emotional, at times. In my defence, I said I am not. I said that I could bear long distance relationship and I didn’t expect my future husband; whoever he is, to be with me all the time. Let’s face it. I lied to myself. That was my presumption for myself few years back when I was still a teenager who only weighed about 50 kgs and the most crucial thing to think about at that time was SPM. As I am evolving into more matured woman (hopefully!) with more responsibilities to carry on my shoulder, I do realize now that I need support. I foresee it’s not that easy to raise kids all alone because without proper time management, support and love situation can go whirlwind. It might be due to aging factor, I do feel tired most of the time after working hours now. I’ve been doing some reading on it, and I realized I might not fully utilize my energy into the right portion. Like, waking up early, sleep early, reading quran continuously and  such. I should experiment those activities before it’s too late to become habits. Amiin!

Oh my god! (read it loud with the highest tone!)

I NEVER EVER thought moving on/getting over someone would be this damn hard. The first time experience was not so much due to the fact we were in different continents with not so much things to worry about because I was still a student (young and dangerous, somemore). However, still, the first time taught me a lot and Alhamdulillah I managed to pull through. This time around is different scenario. The fact that I have to see the face that you want to get over every single day, it’s kinda hard. Alhamdulillah, I’m blessed with a few souls that I can trust and told me this is a phase that I will eventually get through. I know I will. All of sudden, one theory that I refused to take into consideration in the first place comes floating into my mind and I think his view is quite relevant.

His theory is like this: you’re not actually got over someone unless you find someone new.

It’s quite true, nay?

I’m not particularly sure about the detail of his point of view, but I think that someone new is not a replacement. That someone new is actually someone you think you can start a life with, someone who loves you back; someone who is meant to be with you for the rest of your life, to improve together. (that sounds sweet!) I do really need to do adjustment in my emotional department. so maybe this is my pursuit to happiness? Nope! I’m already happy. Maybe this is a challenge Allah puts me through to test and strengthen my heart and to prov one of the “ayats” in the quran that stated Allah knows best while we are not. J