beautiful dreams.

I feel like a lifetime ago since the last time I really put my mind into writing. I know I am being exaggerated. I kept posting updates on certain aspects of my life and such into here, yet the void that must to be filled with writing remains empty. Hence, today despite all the workloads, the waiting presentation I choose to write even though I, myself am not sure of what I have to say for today.

Let’s see what’s going on in my mind right now.

1. FDP presentation.

2. samurai

3. ayers rock

4. snail-like internet connection

5. wonders of the world

6. book I recently read

Enough. Surely I would want to scratch the first thought in order to warp my mood brightly, not sourly.

I have read about Samurai few days back, and even now I am currently listening to Kitaro-Matsuri (instrumental) and that flying me over the seas to Japan by one click in the internet. I can see scenery of blossoming sakura everywhere. Almost perfect and beautiful. That reminds me on what I’ve learnt on ESQ training recently that whenever I think every of beauty and feel mesmerized by it, never forget to say subhanallah or Allahuakbar. He is the source of every seed of sakura and all the beauty within the Earth.

Subhanallah.

picture:google image

I hope one day I can step my foot to Japan around April and witness sakura flowers all by myself with my own bare eyes (without glasses, I wish hehe). To greet by the coldness wind of Japan windy blows to my face, to exchange smiles with fellow strangers that pass by, reading a good book while experiencing a day trip with the Shinkansen Bullet train that speeding about 300 km/h. wow!

I hate to stop writing whenever I am capable of floating myself in my own fantasy. However, life is not about fantasy but present. I am trying to be dynamically alive in the present, thus I shall stop. Kick off isn’t necessarily be mild Nescafe anymore but just a tender, focus realization from inner self.

I almost forget how much I love to see sunrise, and how much I prefer writing in the morning.

picture: google image

a cup of cappuccino with two cheesy croissants for breakfast on one of the spring mornings overlooking Eiffel tower. have good company/companies to share the view with or a laptop will just do. I always want to write while looking straight to the Eiffel tower. always.- that's still a dream.

knock knock! dream means work.

take care people. have a good day :)

hanging diamond

alhamdulillah.

above all, atas segala kuasa Allah yang maha kuasa, maha mengetahui yang melimpahkan kurnianya kepada manusia dengan akal fikiran dan tubuh badan yang sihat, saya mampu melihat KLCC berdiri megah hari ini. alhamdulillah.

terima kasih kepada Tun Mahathir, Mr Pelli, Mr Thornton, dua orang ketua projek utk tower 1 and tower 2 (yang juga extra pening sebab kena fikir macam mana nak naikkan skybridge).
terima kasih kepada mereka2 yang mengerah kudrat membancuh simen, menuang konkrit, pasang cermin tingkat yang ambil masa sebulan utk dibersihkan utk setiap satu tower.
terima kasih national geographic yang menyiarkan 1 slot berkenaan KLCC, yang mana dengan itu sedarnya saya akan potensi2 manusia yang ada dalam diri yang dikurniakan oleh Allah swt.

semoga lepas ni, kot2 jalan saya tersimpul dalam dan saya fikir buntu, saya boleh reflect masalah2 besar spt struktur tanah yang mendap, konkrit yang tak stabil semasa pembinaan KLCC. tp alhamdulillah, mereka2 yang bertanggungjawab meneruskan tanggungjawab mereka utk menyiapkan apa yang diusahakan dengan yang terbaik.

kalau lepas ni, jalan rasa buntu, semoga saya boleh fikir 100 kali potensi2 yang ada dalam diri yang saya tak keluarkan. saya tau saya bukan Mr Pelli atau Mr Thornton atau juga Tun Mahathir yang semamangnya antara mastermind dalam pembinaan KLCC atau mereka yang berhempas pulas letak, sapu konkrit, berpanas2 dan berpenat2 selama 6 tahun namun saya yakin Allah itu adil. Saya ada potensi saya sendiri yang saya tak keluarkan dan tak reti guna. Moga2 Allah tunjukkan kita semua jalannya. amin.

alhamdulillah. hari ni ada satu lagi kebaikan yang Allah bagi pada diri saya. sebenarnya setiap hari ada, saya saja yang tak sedar. moga2 lepas ni, saya/kita semua lebih bersyukur.

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i was 12.
i went to KL with my friends. one of the nicest memories I've had. Alhamdulillah.
We stayed at the area of Kg Baru the first night we arrived, and before we went to sleep I stood outside in the balcony with a friend of mine, Zaidatul. (I wonder if she still remembers this. hehe).
That was the first time I saw KLCC (read:LIVE), 10 years back yet it feels like only yesterday :)
I froze. I did. really. I didn't know why. Not that I didn't aware of Eiffel, Pisa or any skyscrapers at that time, but KLCC astounded me.

With my forefinger pointed to KLCC, I said to my friend " weh cuba hang tengok. macam berlian. (translation: ey, look! like a diamond)".
silently, I made a whisper to myself "bestnya kalau dapat tengok hari-hari". I didn't sure if my friend heard me.

alhamdulillah, I am blessed to see my own version of standing diamond every night for the next 3 years.
how come?
I got accepted to Seri Puteri, situated at Jalan Kolam Ayer at that time,(before the premise was moved to Cyberjaya). from there, I managed to see KLCC everyday, every night. *big big big big smile*

the excitement that arouses for each time I see KLCC is still inexplicable. like seriously. even for now. :)

fact: be aware of what we wish for. some things come true. some things don't because He obviously has stored something better for us. Allah knows best :)
Hence, don't we worry. Just strive towards the goal.

oh, i missed the train!

a scene from Jab we met.

Geet : You do like me a lot, don't you?

Aditya: Yes. I do like you a lot. but, that's my problem. you don't have to worry ok. *goofy smile*

Geet: ....ok. *smile back*

Aditya: Anyone can feel whatever they want, right? 

and as for me, yes. anyone can feel whatever they want. it's up to them to rationalize or reasoning or just let the feeling be the way we want as long as we don't let bad emotion controls our lives. 

respect. that's all it takes for us to understand people's feeling. 

instead of whining about the train i missed, i think it's best for me to sit down and read or have a little chit chat about world issues, politics, exchanging abstract opinions with strangers who are also missed the train. whining takes me nowhere, but reading definitely takes me somewhere. as for the little chit chat, I will know how people look at things in the different angle contrariwise to mine. 

have faith. i guess, that's all i need.

congratulations!!

...to intan on your convocation. congratz2!

After all that we've been thru in UTP, those marked significant memories and lessons for me to carry on for the rest of my life. like coach whitey durham (one tree hill) once said before Raven final game to win the state championship, "the rest of your life is a long time." and yeah, realizing that fact I can always smile because we had and are going to have so much fun together regardless of our status (miss to mrs) or under what conditions we might get ourselves trapped in but never mind. there's always a hand to catch :P

hence, best of luck in your future undertaking. we here always pray for your. may Allah bless you, always and forever :)

Intan.

saturday thoughts.

I value my present.
I miss my future and looking forward to it.
I keep my beautiful past.
I forget my hideous past.

Some thoughts that usually distracted me have long gone. I just don't quite realized this fact before. Not that I'm too occupied by things, perhaps I just let my mind flow freely when it's best to do so.

My ignorance for some people has reached its yield point too. Hence, the behavior of not remembering that some people oftentimes is non-reversible. It's best to do so too, mutual benefits I assure you.

when I flashed back to myself-graph, and make some reasoning, I can conclude that;
1. I did not collapse. I burst.

Collapse is by external pressure. I know I can stand external pressure.
Yet burst is by internal pressure. I am leaning to strengthen the inside soul.

let's pray, love, and eat. let's let's let's

on the special note;
1.thanks saiey for the dinner :)
2. oh been to syamine's wedding, syamine's sister's wedding last sunday. the bridal deco was very much beautiful. whatever it is, i just love weddings. I expect mine to be not so soon from now, hence you shall not wait. ;)

rash, mai, me, syamine.

syamine, rash, me.

utp, tronoh, perak, malaysia

seriously, salam perantauan memang dikhususkan utk student overseas je ke?
habis, kenapa tak ada column khas utk local students?
and, define perantauan to me please?
contohnya saya yang berasal dari kedah, belajar di Perak. saya dikira berada di rantauan kan. di mukim yang lain.

i know lying about the facts is totally wrong and that particular student should have not done it in the very first place but come to think of it, if there's column inside the paper for local students, then perhaps he/she would not do it.

anyhow, stop barking around with negativity, saudari. it's really not a big deal when that student himself/herself apologize to you. even our management pun.
and about the statement to label UTP students (that's counted wholly) as low, that shows how shallow you are.
thank you.

unspoken thoughts on 10/10/10

I am not really in the mood to write but that is always something about saying something in here, mutely. 

That is also the reason I did have blog in the very first place; to let certain people know the thing that I don’t usually say out loud in each daily or casual conversation between you and I, or between them and me.

Words can reach farther than we usually think, and often we doubt its strength to speak the voices in our heads. Never mind, it’s always different of how we look at things.

Today, yet again I realized that sometimes it’s not someone or something stands in our way, but we just let ourselves stand still without any movement. Simple thing to ponder; when I don’t even move, how am I possibly going to reach to where I want to be? I know this fact all along, but to drag a foot is like pulling wall of bricks, then how am I going to expect myself walking briskly with two feet? Hence, the only chance left is to re-navigate my mindset to think of walking freely instead of dragging the old wall of bricks.

Mindset, that’s a big big thing for a big big girl.

Second thing. I just don’t quite sure how to put this into words because I seriously bad in expressing love or appreciation but having few nice people with blessed souls to love me unconditionally is really a big matter in my life. really. They give without any expectation in return, and they never failed to stand there right beside me whenever I was about to stumble to the ground; nose first. Despite if I stumbled to the ground with nose first and hurt like hell, which came with a package of embarrassment and humiliation to walk again, they stood there and were always ready to pick me up regardless how long I took time to cry my heart out. I’m one blessed little girl, am I not? All I could manage to say all this while is thank you; which I supposed is never enough when love itself is enough. For each one of those few nice people with blessed souls that love me unconditionally, I say thank you and I promise I’ll be better. There’re always rooms for improvement. I’ll pull one of the doorknobs and get in. I promise.

Third thing. Some people are easily forgive but hardly forget or vice-versa. I’m not going to label anyone on that because I, myself have specifically my own term when it comes for me to forgive and forget.  Whatever it is, deep down my heart I know I will eventually forgive or forget because that’s how always things are unless you keep watering your heart with refusal then it might take you forever to just do the simple thing; forget and forgive.  So don’t take forever for just two simple things. I know they are big words for some but hey by the end it’s always between you and god.

And one reminder to myself and perhaps you too if you forget: sometimes I see girls (muslim girls) are always dreaming/planning to be isteri/ibu mithali (good, dutiful wife and mother). That’s a very good intention indeed. however, that’s the future responsibility (for those who have yet married), and the present responsibility is still to our parents to be anak solehah (good, dutiful daughter); the two whom we often/seldom call, share updates with them/keep updates to ourselves and such. Little things like that are always neglected which I believe are should not. 

my father asked me to read dictionary when i was 8.hehe. hence, the love for words.

my mother is a strong-willed lady. yeah, no kidding :)

the red umbrella

picture: google image

This is a story about an umbrella. The red one, is to be precise. Well, I always write of speak well under pressure. If I didn’t have the friction, then I might stumble because without friction roads are very slippery you know. but this is not a story about friction, but it’s about umbrella. The red umbrella. Now you see how easily I got distracted if my focus is divided into two or if I am worrying sick up to the maximum level. To make things even worse is I don’t even know the root cause of the anxiousness. Well, of course I do know. it’s about my little red umbrella which is missing.  Rain is pouring down, and I’m all standing in there, statically because I don’t have my red umbrella. I’m soaked.

That’s the thing of how important an umbrella in my life, the red umbrella. Because of it, I get worried, I have to stop and thinking. My pace is even slowing because the roads are slippery when it’s raining heavily on the outside and in the inside too.

When the rain is pouring down, then only I seek out for the red umbrella. What might’ve it felt if my red umbrella has feeling? It must be sad because I go up and down looking for it when rain greets my skin. My poor red umbrella. But hey, that’s the function of an umbrella, isn’t it? To protect me from the rain; that’s the prime reason why they did invent umbrella in the very first place. 

Those umbrellas on the shelves don’t seem to be fit with me like my old red umbrella.

Well, that’s the story about my old red umbrella; the one that I sought for on rainy days or nights or if the heat is a few degrees up.

I don’t treat my friends like the old red umbrella, as far as I am concern. I am sorry if I ever did but well you know life. someone treats me like the red umbrella last night, only coming for me whenever problems right in front of the nose and that person just simply find the way out of my path when I am the one facing problems and need consolation.

I don’t demand much, really. Because I, myself know that I don’t give you as much as you expect from me but a simple sentence like “ everything will be fine” or tiny concern won’t kill. Oh I forgot. You don’t like to be called hypocrite. It’s okay then but don’t come to my face saying people don’t treat you well because what you give, you get back.

p/s: I do sound mad, because I am. actually, it's more to feel disappointed. 

today's FIVE!

1) I measured relationship based on conversation, at least I used to. Until one day, I spent the night by only looking up the stars with a good friend of mine at the basketball court till wee hours. Mind you, without talking but only stared up to the bleak skies with few tinted light. It was a windy night, and cold too.

That, is just another reason why it’ll be hard to get over UTP later on.

2)  I’m officially 22. But please, don’t bother to send your parents to my house for my hand in marriage. For those with that intention, care to wait for another at least 6-7 years? Care not?

3) There’s a thin line between friendship and love. But hey, I just know the way to thicken that line therefore you don’t have to worry much on that matter, will you? tell me you will NOT.

4) The hidden rationale on the question why I refuse to write about you is simply because I’d rather write to you. Thus, if I don't then there's nothing important to tell.

5) And oh, my favourite man is admitted into one of the hospitals in Melbourne. Get well soon, TM.

 

an unexpected visitor

title: an unexpected visitor.
note:
1.my words on English Paper, SPM 2005. (i couldn't recall the exact words i used obviously, because this one is the re-written version a couple of years later. however, the storyline is exactly the same.)
2. it's best if you put Exodus and Handle's Sarabande (Maksim version) on the playlist while reading.
3. thank you to particular someone; because of you, descriptive writing was so much easier. hopefully, you're leading a good life. 

She stared at the brightly, dazzling full moon. Skies were so beautiful that night with millions of sparkling stars like hanging diamonds. She loved the scenery more than anything, except for the one that she gave her heart long before the attack to her homeland. While watching far above the land, she wondered lonely. Where is my auspicious future with a family which supposed to be hers? Where is the farm which supposed to be ploughed and harvested by them? She was left in the darkness all alone. No more laughter could be heard, no more cry of joy and no more pain to suffer. She could not feel a single feeling except emptiness that seemed to strangle day by day.

            Her life was close to perfect back then. Living in a mansion in the northwest where sunny day would approach to shine the land each day. Daffodyl was her best friend which always be by her side, playing dolls with her yet was hardly seen these days. She almost forgot when was the last she cracked a smile. It might be on her engagement day with Julius or might be on Julius’ birthday gathering. Those days were moments that worth to remember and remorselessness even though it happened in a speed of light. Tired of standing by the window, she dragged her wrinkled feet to the corner of her large bedroom where her motionless bed was waiting. It had been there for decades and she never changed its position. She worried if the changes would change her memory towards Julius. As long as she breathed the air, forgetting Julius would be the last thing she cared to do. There was no way of getting over something that was so beautiful to retain in mind. The ancient clock on the wall was ticking to midnight. Again, she would move to the dreamland alone. Gradually, she pulled the bluish velvet quilt to cover her body from the piercing coldness. There was like tones of burden adhered to her eyelids. She barely closed her pair of glowing black eyes. Later, she already sank into her same circles of dreams which Julius held her hand through the yard of blossoming tulips.

            Julius hit her like comets did to the land every hundred years and suddenly her life became more meaningful and brighter. Her time spent with him not long enough to be satisfied but ample to be her strength for the rest of her life without him. Like a comet, he came by only once to witness in a lifetime. She waited for him to return, neglecting her intellectual point of view which happened to tell that he would never come back. He was in his early twenty on the day she met him. He was a young man that would die for his country, obedient son of the Dawsons, faithful lover and supposedly hers. Fate denied the last fact of course. He never was hers since he disappeared in the last battle. He was no a general yet a warrior of his trumps and he was the bravest among them all. She believed so. She was not abandoned but left with a promise he made to her. He declared that he would return no matter how long the war took to bring him back in her arms.

            Soon after, her village was attacked and burnt down to ashes. Her family was one of victims that were killed in the horrifying, angry flames. Fortunately, golden luck decided to be gentle on her side. She managed to escape from the fiery fire and was sent to her relatives that lived in the south. She spent a couple of years there before his uncle asked her to settle down with a prosperous merchant. Being someone of holding tight to a promise that Julius made to her, she gave an objection to the proposal. She went back to her village after mutual understanding was achieved between her homeland and the enemy. Her uncle helped her in financial part to rebuild the house.

            She would wake up screaming whenever the thought of the terrifying violent slipped through into her beautiful dream. September twenty-fifth was one of those nights. Sometimes, she hoped to die at the night when her village was attacked. Sometimes, she wished Julius never made steps to the war. Deeply inside, she knew that none of her hopes or wishes would be granted in spite of witnessing a thousand of falling stars. Someone was knocking the front door while she was trying to squeeze in a niche of  those wonderful dreams she would have at nights. As an almost hundred years old woman, she had to gather the remaining strengths which left inside her body to stand still. Step by step, she walked to the downstairs to the front door. She reached the doorknob and opened it slowly. Weirdness clouded her mind as she never received any visitor since she moved in there half of a century ago.

            Without hesitating, she asked the visitor to come in because she could not stand the coldness of the winter. As she looked at his inhumanly good looking face, she trembled and thought her eyes only playing trick on her. In front of her, standing a young man that she kept in her heart for years, his glowing pure green eyes still the same as the last time she saw him. Tears were rolling down her furrowed face silently. His warm hands held hers firmly. As he started to speak, his voice flowed like a beautiful melody to her eardrums. He turned her around and pointed to the mirror on the wall. The reflection shocked her. There was a young couple standing side by side which she knew all her life, herself and Julius.

            “I made you wait so long and I owe you a huge apology for that matter. Would you mind to come with me tonight?” he said.

            She nodded and left with the unexpected visitor.