bengang

..sebab kena add semua orang dalam list yahoo messenger balik.
grrrrrrr....

sabar syazana sabarrrrr!!!!!

one gloomy night

1. if you love two people in the same time, choose the second one. because if you truly loved the first one, then you wouldn't bother to love the second one.

for those who think the second one is just a phase, i think you know yourself better. the first one might be actually a phase.

2.i'm literally hot. yes, i'm down with high fever. sob sob.

3. when was the time i've been serenaded? this i promise you sounds more than enough if you plan to do so.

4. have a little faith by mitch albom is a nice book. get your copy now.

5. have i told you i adore fernando torres that much?

6. i don't have left point to say in here.

off to get some sleep.

what i saw while jogging

Alhamdulillah, let’s just say the waiting period finally came to a halt, confirmed by a phone call early this noon. (of which I was barely awake at that time. I do blame my sleeping pattern these days).

Alhamdulillah, with His will, let’s just say my arrow hits the target quite precisely which allows me to further divulge into what I call my interest. Let just see if I made the right choice. Let’s just pray and hope for that.

So now I’m jogging down the memory lane and got surprised of where I have reached to this day. This was all a dream for a 12-year-old girl having a late night conversation with her friend during her stay in Kampung Baru for a school trip, overlooking the twins standing diamonds. This was also a dream for a pre-teen girl who walked down the hillocks from classroom to dormitory without finishing her math and English homework. This was still a dream for the same young girl during her interview for the scholarship. So yeah, basically this girl has so many things to be grateful for. A lot more gain, I could say instead of losing or it’s all actually balanced?

So please give her the shrew’s slap to reality every time she forgets this. Hehe

By the way, the arbitrary consequences i have to front on whenever I persist in jogging down the hill of memory, more often than not, i’d lurch into someone that i’ve tried to forget behind the bush, or someone i that used to gear up my hatred up to ceiling level simpering at me. or perhaps, along the way i’d see the broken dreams of which i hold dearly with my life. So yes, it’s my choice to turn my face from all of those things. It’s enough to know they’re somewhere down there without having a second look. There’s none could be done to alter what has been broken. life is a one way street. No u-turn. So yeah, I’ll keep that in mind.

God, I think my cryptic vibes is all around, hence this entry. But seriously, I love it when it’s around, I feel like there's actually scintillating butterflies all around. Of course with the escort from an endearing pixie(s) just like Tinkerbelle. (is this how they spell her name?hehe)

Off I go watching Barbie and the whatnots (obviously I didn’t know the title), which I download for my youngest sister couple of months back.

Good night.

=_="

i'm gonna pay a re-visit to road not taken.
i know there's something in it i hadn't notice before.
thanks to someone for her post :)

i don't know how to speak turkey

I hope this entry has a pair of wings, therefore it could reach to that particular person whom the entry is dedicated to.

Hi. How do you do? I’m just in fine fettle, just so you know.

You know, few years back, we bumped into each other at one baffling crossroad. I smiled, and then you smiled back. truth be told, you were not the friendliest stranger I’ve ever stumbled upon but I just truly glad that I did because from there, I taste the sweetness of friendship which is obviously one of its kind.

Seriously, this should be way lengthy. Hehe..but this is all  I could come up.

So now, you’re contemplating of which part to trail on. The paths we take after this might be distinctly poles apart but hey, I unsure of what miraculous hex do I possess but I know I’ll be right there for you to lean on whenever some hurricanes knock you off the track. That’s what best buddy does best.

Put some music on, young duchess!(while you do the thinking, and tell me about it later)

Only one-yellowcard

This is how I disappear- my chemical romance

Famous last word- my chemical romance

Welcome to black parade- my chemical romance

Disenchanted- my chemical romance

Helena- my chemical romance

Sorry- buckcherry

Boulevard of broken dreams- greenday

Broken-seether ft amy lee

Move along- the AAR

Dance inside- the AAR

What hurts the most- rascal flats

Run-snow patrol

Midnight hour-running away

Time is running out-muse

Cant take my eyes off you-muse

Starlight-muse

Umbrella- rihanna

A thousand miles- Vanessa carlton

Drops of Jupiter- train

Wheverever you will go-the calling

this is the mix-tape cover for the above songs :)

petty

How many times did you hesitate to include news about your ex(s) or whoever in the range of the likes (crush, rejected ones) in your conversation with your friends but threw away the thoughts hastily just because you were afraid that your friends might be misinterpreting you still had feelings for him/her albeit in the actual case, you didn’t?

So yeah, I’ve been there few times so as many girls. for the first few months, might be a little throbbing if we actually were in love with them. It might be up for a year or so. But I don’t think it’d go beyond several years. come on. For once, don’t let outsiders define your feeling. I mean, if it’s true that you’re no longer rooting on how your last scene of fairy-tale will be closing stage and you already accept/swallow the fact that you two are way over long ago, then don’t bother of the trivial matter such as the claim. you friends might point their opinion out on that, but it does not necessarily true.

So yeah, it’s normal for you to hesitate and get afraid of being accused to still have a thing for your ex and the likes if you slip him into the conversation, by chance at that, and once again you should know that you know exactly what you’re feeling more than anybody else does. It’s not like you are talking about him every single day in every single matter, then if that’s the case, you should’ve abandon any thoughts of him because plainly crystal clear- you are not over him/her just yet. Do not worry of that as your time will finally come when you take in the reality of which he’s just like a passing evening breeze. Plain, unseen, just there for a short while, and doesn’t matter.

on separate note, it's monday again, the beginning of weakdays. 

lend me a little faith on that, dear god.

i'm not gonna talk about that, neither by tongue or written. full stop. 

all i have to do is wait, then wait i shall.

bits of here and there

1. I’ve found another sanctuary, if we could call it as one, since it’ll become more or less my dumping ground for complicated and unsaid thoughts. the link is below:

second home

2. been thinking of how beautiful Georgina Sparks is, all day at that (a bit exaggeration here) but yeah, I still did think about her seem-to-be flawless complexion and figure in non-lesbie way. Mind you, I chase guys. Blueks

3. can’t believe I’m lured to the glitziness of the upper east side lifestyle that they’re trying to portray in GG. But well, yeah, I’ve been following that series since the first season. It drove me up the wall at times, when everybody dates everybody. I can’t quite define what’s their definition of friendship too, since you could always find Serena claws Blair’s back every now and then. the love triangle and such are pretty much dreary things for me but still yes, I watched every episode of GG. Besides, there’s Georgina and Nate to lighten my mood up, regardless of how bitchy she could convert herself into. but well Nate has always warmed my heart.  ecehh..

4. whatever it is, I miss one tree hill. I can’t just bring myself to be all devoted like before to this particular series when all that’s left in me is just driblet of interest, after Lucas and Peyton gone.

5. my lunch on Saturdays is usually happier than usual. The circle is complete with both both of my sisters are home.

6. home is where all my sisters are there and can pull each other’s hair whenever we please to. yes, we are poyo like that.

7. I’m fat. No, this is not a whining. It’s a statement. (…and the song on playlist switched to stay the same. Is it a sign that I should’ve just stay for who I am,  no matter how fat and chubby I'll be? Haha..as long as im happy, why the heck not?

:))

Night.

MCR

Ohhh gimme a break.

Not that I’m talking about anyone, it’s just my burning desire that seems like commanding to blog every single thoughts that occured in my brain. Why am I being like this? Is this the post-regret syndrome? Well I took it well. I knew all along why I DID HAVE TO get rid the previous-cious blog. you get the word that right? I meant to state previous and precious hence the previouscious. Erghhh, see I even write that twice. Duhhh

I’m easily distracted. And now like that’s gonna happen because it won’t, it will not. (yet again, the repetition).

So I’ve been listening to this is how I disappear, repeatedly, for more than two hours now. I didn’t even like this song this much back then. I am averse to admit the exponentially increasing interest in MCR just within this couple of hours, mainly the songs from The Black Parade, besides nostalgically connected to the margin for longing somewhere between the melody. *weak smile*

I know they do have newer albums than this one am listening to, but yes, I’m lame and slow like that. I care not of how old the songs are, I just cherish the melody.

So now, MCR it is.

Rumours alleged that they’re going to disband, or they just did already? whatever.

I need sleep.

1st-please be bothered

I don’t really possess a decisive mind? do i?

Well, as I just decided to read more on non-fiction, (un)fortunately I pretty convinced my time will be occupied with reading my newly purchase books. Three (3) of them altogether.

 1. Mitch Albom; have a little faith

2. Jeffrey Archer; Cat o’ Nine tale

3. Dan Brown; the lost symbol

But hey, I’ve been craving for the lost symbol since forever and tell you what, it was in my list for a long long time. I shouldn’t let myself wait for that long, hence the book on my study table. Hehs

Do I really have to justify myself? Nah.. didn’t think so.

Lets moving on.

Does anybody care to tell me how on earth this yellow song is compelled to be so enthrall and spellbind? Errr..

I have a lot going on in my mind before I finally made myself sit down quietly on the floor, beside my historic study table, and now all I have is a blank mind;forcibly trying to string gushing of words together before the ideas slip away. The problem is my fingers can’t keep themselves from the delete button on the right side of this damn keyboard. So you tell me, how am I supposed to go after my celerity thoughts? huh..another phony excuse for lack of ability to really transform my thought into the form of words.

One good thing I’ve learnt along the years to pursue this one hobby of mine- blogging that is, that I cannot be afraid of what people are gonna say or usually judge on what I wrote. But of course, I must not consciously and purposely write just to sting people’s feeling which I won’t. I think I have a whole lot more to write about than just to entertain the fellow readers with calumnious entries. So there, my point is, usually we bloggers are judged by the way. Don’t take it too deep. It brings nothing but bitter, really.

Every so often, I got asked by some individuals on whether I’d be concerned on the subject of how many readers do I have. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t care less on that matter. I guess, it depends on your purpose of blogging. If you want to be gratified with constant feedbacks (which I don’t classify as bad either) for every post, in that case you may feel troubled if there is no reader. Unlike me, who just blog for fun, sharing morsel of my on-going yarn to some friends and even strangers. It’s good to have someone reading to my endless bellyache and grumble at the end, and it’s better when your good friends personally ask you about it and discuss over the phone or messengers. For what is worth, just do blog based on your intention and heed less on what others may think. if they do judge you, it's based on superficiality only. one can never be so damn honest in writing, revealing everything. and for that matter, they dont know you unless they're close to you personally.

On the other note, I couldn’t care less of my placement. Seriously. Ok, that’s one big fat lie. Of course I do seriously care about it. my life depends on it. haven’t I convinced you guys enough during interview? Now I think I should’ve really winked at one of them and flash million dollar smile. (did i wear lipstick on that day? errr do i ever have lipstick in the very first place??)  Just kidding.

I’m just hoping for the best from Allah. He knows best, that’s proven to be true scores of time in the past years. Have a little faith cuz it brings great deal of good.

p/s: just stop thinking what others may think about you, because more often than not they don't. just go on pursuing what you want to pursue, true friends stand by you. it all that matters. the rest, well.. you decide.

babble at dawn

I’ve developed this detrimental behavior of my sleeping schedule. Between those interweaving cells, my brain somehow confused between day and night. Yeah, seriously. It’s freaking 4.35 am in the morning and this syndrome has gone reaching a week old now. no, anxiousness does not cause me this. 

My mother and grandmother gave me a long talk regards to this and don’t think it helps. I guess I’m not physically tired. Mentally? Yeahh a bit. tu pun, just due to the long hours of eying every sentence from the computer screen i.e replying comments on facebook, blogging (now), reading other's blogs, etc etc . just a leisure reading, nothing heavy.

Oh yeah, I’ve also developed partiality on reading the from the computer screen. see, never say never. all talks about how I hated doing it before this is dissolved little by little and the facts I once claimed it to the subject of detestation sounds pretty alien to me now, at this moment. Yeah, again, never say never. We never knew what future brings. Therefore, if you do have interesting links, please do forward them to me. I’m all eyes to read from computer screen.

Have wanted to made at least minor portion of my 24 hours, let’s say 3 hours of reading (and understand) is still a failure. Funny, because every night (morning actually) before letting myself fall off the edge into the slumber-ocean, I doggedly tell myself to finish my reading on knowledgeable book, issues. Not to bury my nose into magazines or fictions. hey, I could do that for half of the day, without any force. Haih.. how can an economics or sociology or (insert any major that is in the same code area) student practically read all those thick books. I believe unlike me, they manage all of that for the knowledge sake. Me? exam-oriented. *head down* No one to blame tho, my forefinger pointed to me. Hehee.. Therefore, I’ll stick to my goals to read (and understand) on global issues. A bit on politics, economics (and large part on who dates who in Hollywood) I should’ve cultivated this habit long time ago. Better late than never. yes! Never say never.

Oh, congratulations saiey. You made it. 

Well, for those who miss me in Friendster, trust me I’ll be not going back there. I deleted my account few months back. The cute thing was, (did I say cute? Please excuse my poor vocab) I read all my testimonials all the way back to 2004! And traced down my testimonials/comments to someone, at that.

You don’t have to guess who that human being is because I’ll never ever real his/her name in here. so syui, stop smiling. I know you know about whom I am babbling about. On second (hundredth) thought, intan was so right. I didn’t realize I was falling. Young girl with immature thought, I was. Hehs..

Listening to: this is how I disappear :) ...  

let me take you there

Moving on is somehow felt burdensome in my case. Like, seriously. For some that might be cushy. I guess I’m a faithful and loyal person. Besides, the most-hated word in my dictionary is unfaithful, disloyal or any with the similar meanings. I’ve mentioned that in my previous post.

Due to that, within these past few years, Torres is the only my favorite football player.

Plain White T’s remains as my favorite band ever even though there are so numerous of new bands are bone now, with few good songs too. I’ve to admit that I love those songs, even sing them during taking my shower but well now I’m talking about my favorite at heart. Hence, Plain White T’s, that is.

Speaking of Plain White T’s, the new album is released! Wonders of the younger. It’s still doubtful if it could beat off Every Second Counts record. (I’ve been biased a bit by that album because I just love one of the tracks in it so so so so muchhh- let me take you there). The song itself wasn’t a super-hit in Malaysia since everyone’s eardrums were occupied by Hey There Delilah (another great song from them but Let Me Take You There beats it, in my term) :P

So yeah, why don’t you just download the new single; Rhythm Of Love.

Man, I just hit by a stinging regret. Should you have a blog or personal journals since several years ago, do not ever delete it. Gosh, it feels good to re-read what you’ve been writing all these years and from there you can measure up your achievement. And from there too, you may also define who you really are and see the way of your thinking. You must understand yourself before anybody else does. For me, the saying “she/he understands me more that I do” is for those who reluctant to own up their strengths and weakness. No offense. By the way, how could I be so absentminded to delete all my previous blogs? Grrrr… never mind. I learnt my lesson and will keep this one. isnyaAllah.

Before I end this post and since I’m in the midst of talking about songs and music, I feel so disturbed listening to Tanpamu (Krisdayanti ft Siti Nurhaliza). Not that I loathe this song, but I could feel the sensation of sadness in a great deal by it puffed in the air  with no personal reason. That might be due to fact that I often drowned myself in lyrics with deep meaning before reaching out my hands for a grip of reality. Aside from that, this particular song is just another proof that they both are gifted singers. what a great vocal.

P/s:Heart complicates things at times. Surely, not all the time cause if that so, as if like you brain doesn’t function at all. Thus, the best way to do is making sure both are working. Don’t ever decide based on your heart or brain solely, it must both. That’s why God bestowed us with those two. Use them wisely.

korean fever

Since I am unemployed, I have a lot of free time that I think I can actually post 10 entries per day. But of course, not trying to be so desperate in my own blog, I post on daily basis. Sometimes, it’s up to double or triple posts a day. We’ll see the end of this syndrome sooner or later.

I am not such a big fan of K-pop like one of my close friends back in UTP, Saiey. She knows every bit of Korean news especially when it comes to her favourite bands. There was one time where she succeeded to influence a bunch of girls in our class (including me) to download this particular Korean drama. Have you heard of Boys Over Flower? Yeah.. yeah.. the leading actor was undeniably good looking despite his curly hair. Off the record, I think curly type is only suits to Justin Timberlake but well Lee Min Ho is an exception. Heheee.. it turns out to be an interesting and I was engaged to it till the very last episode. However, without any reason I still much prefer Meteor Garden.

Super Junior will be coming to Malaysia. Yeahhhh…big wide smiles plastered on the faces of their fans all over here. some of my friends decides to go but I’m still in the middle of finding excuses to go. what are the best reasons to tell your parents that you actually want to attend a concert? Personally, I don’t think I can make it. boooooo!

Let just wait and see.

Now I’m stuck with 2PM – I’ll be back. yeah yeah…I know that song is ancient to you, saiey.hehe

p/s: I usually found myself at a loss for words. That might be due to lack of focus on what to blog or simply just one of the aging signs.

Oh wait, how the aging process has to do with this?

duhh

WAJIB BACA (COMPULSORY TO READ)

assalamualaikum fellow readers,

so yeah..the title speaks for itself. before you read thoroughly, i want you to know there are 2 different forces in physics, as well in life. one of them is resistance force. therefore, for those of you who think that you've read this particular article already and want to leave this page, i hope you to differ.
lets read once again, shall we. it's a good reminder to all of us from our Prophet, Nabi Muhammad SAW.
Thank you.

the last lecture from Nabi Muhammad SAW, conveyed on year 10 of Hijr 9th Zulhijjah at Lembah Uranah, Gunung Arafah.

before that, as you read through, you will find there are certain points that have been not mentioned in the malay version, hence i advise you to read both.

the sources of these articles are:
article 1 -bm version
article 2- english version

Wahai Manusia,dengarlah baik-baik apa yang hendak ku katakan.Aku tidak mengetahui apakah aku dapat bertemu lagi dengan kamu semua selepas tahun ini.Oleh itu dengarlah dengan teliti kata-kataku dan sampaikanlah ia kepada orang-orang yang tidak dapat hadir disini pada hari ini.

Wahai manusia,sepertimana kamu menganggap bulan ini dan kota ini sebagai suci,maka anggaplah jiwa dan harta setiap orang Muslim sebagai suci. Kembalikan harta yang diamanahkan kepada kamu kepada pemiliknya yang berhak.Janganlah kamu sakiti sesiapa pun agar orang lain tidak menyakiti kamu lagi.Ingatlah bahawa sesungguhnya kamu akan menemui Tuhan kamu dan Dia pasti membuat perhitungan diatas segala amalan kamu.Allah telah mengharamkan riba,oleh itu segala urusan yang melibatkan riba dibatalkan mulai sekarang.

Berwaspadalah terhadap syaitan demi keselamatan agama kamu.Dan dia telah berputus asa untuk menyesatkan kamu dalam perkara-perkara besar,maka berjaga-jagalah supaya kamu tidak mengikuti nya dalam perkara-perkara kecil.

Wahai manusia,sebagaimana kamu mempunyai hak keatas isteri kamu ,mereka juga mempunyai hak di atas kamu.Sekiranya mereka menyempurnakan hak mereka ke atas kamu maka mereka juga berhak untuk diberi makan dan pakaian dalam suasana kasih sayang.Layanilah wanita-wanita kamu dengan baik,berlemah-lembutlah terhadap mereka kerana sesungguhnya mereka adalah teman dan pembantu yang setia.Dan hak kamu atas mereka ialah mereka sama sekali tidak boleh memasukkan orang yang kamu tidak sukai ke dalam rumah kamu dan dilarang melakukan zina.

Wahai manusia ,dengarlah bersungguh-sungguh kata-kata ku ini,Sembahlah Allah,Dirikanlah solat lima kali sehari,Berpuasalah di Bulam Ramadan dan Tunaikanlah Zakat dari harta kekayaan kamu.Kerjakanlah ibadat Haji sekiranya kamu mampu.Ketahuilah bahawa setiap Muslim adalah bersaudara kepada Muslim yang lain.Kamu semua adalah sama,tidak seorang pun yang lebih mulia dari yang lainnya kecuali dalam Taqwa dan beramal soleh.

Ingatlah,bahawa kamu akan menghadap Allah pada suatu hari untuk dipertanggungjawabkan diatas segala apa yang telah kamu kerjakan.Oleh itu Awasilah agar jangan sekali-kali terkeluar dari landasan kebenaran selepas ketiadaanku.

Wahai manusia,tidak ada lagi Nabi atau Rasul yang akan datang selepasku dan tidak akan lahir agama baru.Oleh itu wahai manusia,nilailah dengan betul dan fahamilah kata-kataku yang telah aku sampaikan kepada kamu.Sesumgguhnya aku tinggalkan kepada kamu dua perkara,yang sekiranya kamu berpegang teguh dan mengikuti kedua-duanya ,nescaya kamu tidak akan tersesat selama-lamanya.Itulah Al-Quran dan Sunnahku.

Hendaklah orang-orang yang mendengar ucapanku menyampaikan pula kepada orang lain.Semoga yang terakhir lebih memahami kata-kataku dari mereka yang terus mendengar dari ku.Saksikanlah Ya Allah bahawasanya telah aku sampaikan risalah Mu kepada hamba-hamba mu.

english version

"O People, listen well to my words, for I do not know whether, after this year, I shall ever be amongst you again. Therefore listen to what I am saying to you very carefully and take these words to those who could not be present today.

O People, just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred, so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. Return the goods entrusted to you to their rightful owners. Treat others justly so that no one would be unjust to you. Remember that you will indeed meet your LORD, and that HE will indeed reckon your deeds. God has forbidden you to take usury (riba), therefore all riba obligation shall henceforth be waived. Your capital , however, is yours to keep. You will neither inflict nor suffer inequity. God has judged that there shall be no riba and that all the riba due to `Abbas ibn `Abd al Muttalib shall henceforth be waived.

Every right arising out of homicide in pre-Islamic days is henceforth waived and the first such right that I waive is that arising from the murder of Rabi`ah ibn al Harith ibn `Abd al Muttalib.

O Men, the Unbelievers indulge in tampering with the calendar in order to make permissible that which God forbade, and to forbid that which God has made permissible. With God the months are twelve in number. Four of them are sacred, three of these are successive and one occurs singly between the months of Jumada and Sha`ban. Beware of the devil, for the safety of your religion. He has lost all hope that he will ever be able to lead you astray in big things, so beware of following him in small things.

O People, it is true that you have certain rights over your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under God's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers. It is your right and they do not make friends with anyone of whom you do not approve, as well as never to be unchaste...

O People, listen to me in earnest, worship God (The One Creator of the Universe), perform your five daily prayers (Salah), fast during the month of Ramadan, and give your financial obligation (zakah) of your wealth. Perform Hajj if you can afford to.

All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.

Remember, one day you will appear before God (The Creator) and you will answer for your deeds. So beware, do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

O People, no prophet or messenger will come after me and no new faith will be born. Reason well, therefore, O People, and understand words which I convey to you. I am leaving you with the Book of God (the Quraan) and my Sunnah (the life style and the behavioral mode of the Prophet), if you follow them you will never go astray.

All those who listen to me shall pass on my words to others and those to others again; and may the last ones understand my words better than those who listen to me directly. Be my witness O God, that I have conveyed your message to your people.

the 14th day of February

February 14^th is approaching again. I didn’t see it coming though since I never celebrated that day in my entire life. A thought popping out in my mind, what if I ever made it to the airport on the same day several years ago? Would everything be different by now? Would a little gesture and thought and determination change the whole series of my life?

I try to push away that thought as I resume my reading, trying to concentrate on sentences in the manuscript in front of me. Since the dateline is drawing nearer, half of 500 pages document is still unedited. Being an editor is not an easy job as I thought it would be. It took a lot of courage in terms of dealing with stubborn writers who undoubtedly put themselves on top of the world when their previous novels or books were sold out. Besides, weekends that are supposed to be well spent with dates or family are fully utilized for the dozen of manuscripts that I bring home every week. Works are piling up, and since my company publishes most of the so called best-sellers then we have to work extra hard, real extra hard.

The last flight out wafted in the air. I rest my tired and ached head on the table while hoping to fall asleep. However, every lyric of the song is dancing across before my soporific eyes. As I am trying to push the thought of him away, it gets bit by bit harder as the melody as if speaking to myself. He is not in my range of thinking for such a long time since we last met on a occasion which divided both of us geographically apart.

As if the memories of him were born yesterday, all of it is still fresh and crystal clear. We were both young at that time, talked about life, felt a tad scared of thinking how the future would bring, laughed to the dull jokes. He used to be defined my interpretation of teenage dream, because for all I know that exactly who he was; my teenage dream. I misread the navigation of our friendship as I wanted it to go further, beyond into “in-relationship” horizon meanwhile all he ever desired was to float on the channel in the name of friendship. I knew I saw it all wrong.

The night he boarded on the plane, I knew I was no longer able to catch his speeding pace to his dream. I plainly understood that I had no dreams to further on with, and even if I had found one later on I knew that it wasn’t the same path as his. The lacking of my will power of letting him go was equal to how much I put pressure on myself, holding me back from the path I should’ve taken. That was a foolish thing to do yet I did. Being trapped in the craphole for a while, taught me whole lot of priceless lessons which has not there in my college course to enroll. I painted my world with sadness for a span of time and while in the darkness I could only see two tunnels; the one that promised a bright light in the end or subdued dimness. I chose the former.

And for now, if I were to answer of some rustic doubts of what would happen if I decided to turn up on the day he was leaving, I don’t have response for that. Not that I purposely unwilling to answer in case I am in neediness of avoidance on that subject but simply because it’s something that shouldn’t be asked in the very first place. 

As I flintily made my choice not to leave my room on the day he left on February 14^th , which turned out to be a bless up until now, I shouldn’t question myself because I know for how many answers are there, I’m still unable to alter my history on that day and years after.

I stare out to the starry sky without limitation, I walk to the window; breathing in the cold night air. It feels frigid and sharp as the wind softly slaps both of my cheeks. I close my eyes for a little while, in the meantime my mind fluctuating between to call it a day or proceed with the open manuscript on my study table. I sneeze a few times before closing the window, afraid to get a cold as more manuscripts are in the pipeline for me to edit, just another headache to deal with.

Finally I make my way to my study table, take a couple sips of the cold coffee latte cautiously not wanting to spill it over. I am flipping through the pages when I yawn for the umpteenth time in 15 minutes, then doze off into a deep sleep.

No dreams.

arena

My sister asked me to send her to school for volleyball practice. The minute she mentioned about volleyball, my mind flooded with exciting and spectacular memories. Seeing the court itself flew me back to the year of Y2K. 

you know, at the time when Britney Spears was still a pop princess with her latest album; Ooops I did it again which happened to be my one of my favorite songs of the year. Yeahh, I was her freak fan back then.

Year 2000 was one of the best years I’ve encountered so far. That year marked few significant points of my life like going through tough experience where my friends and I needed to sacrifice most of our time on the fields; be it volleyball, netball or hockey. But of course we prioritized volleyball as it was a tradition to win that game in the district tournament since I-don’t-know-when. For all we knew, we wouldn’t dare to break the record thus we worked out butt off for it. Alhamdulillah, all the efforts was paid well.

This is not a post bragging of our achievements back then but it is more to a closetful memoirs of a lifetime friendship that I know will never dies. In that old court, flowery and sweet-scented memories created as a token for each of us to keep for the rest of our lives. These names that were once carved on the cactus leaves in the school garden will be eternally stamped in my brain cells.

Syazana, Nana, Nurul, Tikah, Zaidatul, Syafiqah, Wahida.

Usually after the evening practice, we went off straight to the stall nearby and ate Laksa. That accompanied with endless of jokes, gossips and interesting topics. By the way, UPSR never made into the conversation. We tend to worry about that subject alone or in the class whenever our teachers reminded us of its approach.

 

Back then, we didn’t know the bond made on the court will be this strong. We stayed as good friends until now even though most of us are scattered around the map. Nana is in Uniten, doing accountancy, Nurul started her role as tutor in one of the community colleges while Tikah decided to serve the nation by taking the noble job as the teacher. And as for me, all set and ready to drill oil wherever my employer puts me. hehs

All praises to Allah for letting me have these good friends. May our friendship remains until the hereafter. insyaAllah.

p/s:I miss playing volleyball with you guys. Lets do it when we have time. come one, get sweat like we used to. 

tak payah baca

they say, rindu tak berpenghujung. kalaupun ada, bila yang dirindu ada di depan mata.
but for her, he didnt have to show up, rindu itu hilang sendiri.
sah, she was wrong when she said she could love him till the end of time. luckily, he didn't buy what she said  back then.

bukan maksudnya dia perempuan jahat, tidak. cumanya dia dulu budak hingusan, fikiran pun cetek sejengkal.
why do i have to explain herself to you when he already understood this long time ago?

percayalah, saya tahu perkara yg paling jauh adalah masa yang telah berlalu. dia juga tahu. and the distance between them is not about geographically miles apart but years apart.

as hard as for you to believe me, thats the truth. he meant something to her, but he means nothing to me.

just a cobweb thought. don't get tangle in it.

my precious gem

have you ever wanted to write something special for someone that is very much precious in your life but in the end you were just speechless and blank? because they're just like millions diamonds trade would never be enough.

i always see "because you loved me" as a love song but never between a boy and a girl yet it is more between a selfless human being called mother and her child. i know mother's day is not around the corner however for someone who's been there for me, my pillars of strength and never ever looked down on me, the one whose with faith in me regardless how inconsistent my grades could be at times, i thank you very much and eternally grateful to Allah for lending me you.

i'll be starting my career soon, another new phase of my life and looking back you were always there, to catch me whenever i fell and now you are right here still standing beside me. i promise i'll be a good dutiful daughter, insyaAllah.

lapan

1. Most irritating condition?
- cannot recall :P

2. Most irritating question?
- "you rasa i gemuk tak?" (termasuk diri sendiri yang suka tny orang mcm tu)

3. I can tolerate the sound of baby crying, but I can never tolerate ____?
- the one that cries so loud as if like screaming.

4. As a girl, I always have this weird dream of having _____ in my future house.
- volleyball court. 

5. A perfect birthday gift is?
- books. 

6. High heels or flat? And why?
- flat. sebab senang nak jalan.

7. A something that you saw others do/wear, you have the slightest idea to try the same thing but you certainly sure you will never do that.
-  tight skirt. hoh

8. A thing that you would like to change about yourself?
- perangai buruk saya yg tak matured. hehs

entah

okay. this is so random thoughts.

i'm happy being home. seriously i am. since the last 10 years, i think this is the longest time i've ever been home. short span of holiday is not weird for those who lives in boarding school and have strict mom who always said this when it came to overnight

"ala kakak. cuti 2 hari tak payah balik lah. KL-Kedah jauh. nnt penat je"

thus i spent approximately 2 months at home for five years in Seri Puteri, then when i was in UTP that; a month and half holidays needed to be cut short due to uni activities. quite a busy bee during my first and second year.
i also did my practical in Miri, which obviously was one more solid reason not to go home as often as i wanted to.

so this is it. the quality i have to be well-spent at home. unfortunately, the other two sisters are away, hence the boredom. teman-teman nak bergaduh dan tarik-tarik rambut takde lah.

anyways, i think i lost track of interest.

(long sigh)

i lost my momentum and less passionate too these days because there's not much thing to do.
due to that, i'll start anew and get things on track. insyaAllah.
till then.

It was light drizzle that night. The muddy lanes crowded with people; insiders and outsiders. We strolled along the stalls. Sometimes we stopped to look at things, items or food offered for customers. I remembered looking for something or someone but had yet found anything. We just kept on walking, talking and laughing. We even bought balloons, the cutes ones of course.

My look was messy; I wore a pair of cheap slippers, cheap shirt and my favourite quite-expensive pants. I didn’t touch up my face, I usually did not bother. Maybe a bit of lip gloss that appealed to be not so glossy and shiny like a pop star does look. I couldn’t quite recall about my appearance and I guess the above mentioned would do to prove how messy I was.

Blatant sound of music was roaring from the loud speaker the moment we arrived. Like I said, we just walked, talked and laughed. We bought drinks, talked again and my eyes were searching for someone or something. I didn’t find my liking. It was almost midnight when the soft drizzle shifted into showering downpour. We hustled to the nearest booth and gasped for air. while in there, I pretended to be interested in formula one car displayed while the truth was; machines seized the least of my interest.

After a while, rain stopped. We quickly made our way out of the booth. I pushed the door hard but it seemed no movement at all. I tried to push it a few times yet still a failure. Then, only I realized that there was someone outside that door that trying to get in at the same time. I let off my hand from the door handle and by that solved the problem. As the door yawning open, my heart skipped a beat and all I knew my foot were glued to the floor for the next 10 seconds. …….frozen. If our face color could change, mine might as well settle into blue.

As I was in shock condition without movement, one of my friends nudged me. That, kicked some senses into me. The glue under my foot gradually evaporated, I smiled to the person in front of me and fleeted.

We walked back without talking; I smiled all the way while both of my friends with puzzled looks on their faces.

Yeah, I’ve to admit that metaphorically, I saw some fireworks enchanted fusion of captivating colors in the sky the moment he opened the door. guess what happened next? i know what you guys must be thinking but sorry i've to spoil the mood. No, we didn’t meet again for lunch, date, tie the knot and live happily ever after.

by the way, life is about dealing with reality.

and my life is real. Like a reeling movie which I, myself do not know how it’ll end. And about him; is one part of those interesting scenes that long gone since the last few sparks of the firework disappeared into the thin air.

Airport

..it connects people. Not directly of course, but still it does. If we dig deeper, it functions in both ways; to connect and disconnect.

For passengers in the arrival hall, you know they are going to connect with their family and relatives meanwhile for those in departure hall they sat silently, thinking of the beloved ones they left behind.

Most of us have been there either in arrival or departure hall. And we know how hurting goodbyes could be at times and how we actually want to run into the arms of the loved ones the moment we step down the plane.

That’s my case.

In her case, she cried all the way to the airport because she was afraid of being late. She tried to call her cellphone, wanted to tell her that she might be late. The line was dead.

The minute she reached the airport, her soul friend walked through the aisle to the waiting plane. She tried to call and it went to voicemail. She sat there still and noiseless, her voice cracking and muffled as she left her message.

As the sun set, the plane was soaring high thorough the patches of blending reddish yellow in the cloudless sky.

That’s her case. Pity little girl with one big heart. 

Pasrah

Hafsham berdiri sorang-sorang sambil tengok advertisement board gambar Farra Diba selepas dia rasa tak happy dengan Natasha. Kalau pernah tengok cerita Pasrah, you know what I meant.

“segar di ingatan sejarah duka yang berlaku

Terpahat kenangan cerita cintaku padamu

Tiada duanya biar berjuta tidak sama

Indahnya cintamu setulus budimu padaku

Telah ku terima suratan takdir yang Esa”

Suratan; Slam

moral value: do appreciate what you have before it slip out from your palms. 

:)

pearl harbor's girl

Amongst of all words in the dictionary, I hate this one; unfaithful or any words with similar meaning. I know that I might misjudge her character in Pearl Harbor. I know if I were in her situation I might as well wanted someone with shoulders to cry on. But to fall in love all over again with her first lover’s best friend in short period of time spells out treacherous to me.

What seems disloyal to me might be seen as something else for someone else.

As humans, we lack in so many things and His guidance to the righteous path is what we seek for. insyaAllah.

“To him belongs what is before us and what is behind us and what is between those two and your Lord is never forgetful”; (Al Quran, 19:64)

yellow and red

Just a mere email from my best friend has already burnt my day even though the clock on the wall only ticking to 915 in the morning. He is a shy guy, mayhap the meekest boy alive you’ll ever meet on this planet.

It all started by a friendly hello I uttered to him, few years back. We were only 8 or 9, where I was still in my hideous floral mini skirt while he wore his childhood’s favorite V-collar striped shirt and shorts. He bashfully responded to my greeting and smiled. He has the sweetest smile ever, I assure you that. it happened to be that we were neighbors. And you know, neighbors don’t fall in love with each other. At least, not in real life unless we are watching J.Lo’s movies or something.

He is the first to know every time I fall in love or fall out of love. He would be sitting on the bench at the front yard of my house, listened to every whit of what I had to say. He listens so well, and if some college were to offer a course in listening, he certainly would be the one with the highest grade. But you know in real life, there’s no such thing. His passion in drawing leads him to enroll architecture for undergraduate studies. We went to different college, different major. Hence, I owe thousands of gratitude towards Alexander Graham Bell for his useful invention; the telephone. Every time I have problem that seems to be endless, he will be at the end of the line to listen, just listen.

Despite the growing distance, we talk a lot through the telephone. I told him how about a guy whom I recently dated brought me to see a romantic movie which I slept through it for the most part. I blabbed about how I flunk my tests or how weird I thought myself could be sometimes. Sometimes, I even told him to google my favorite actor just to let him know my current celebrity crush. And, we would play this one game; tell-me-what-is-my-face-expression sort of thing. He’s good in guessing whether I smile or frown and even if I wiggled my eyebrows. He is no wizard. I’m sure he never been to Hogwarts but well, he just know me too well. That’s what I thought until this morning; before I checked my mailbox.

Today is like another week-days for final semester college student like me, like most of us. If you see my timetable, most of the hours are filled with no class but Monday and Thursday are exceptional. I have more than 2 classes on that day, with labs too. The first thing I did when I am awake is checking my brand-new phone. There were several messages from my friends; some asked me to cover up if there was quiz in our sociology class. I replied a few as I pushed aside the tender terra cotta comforter aside and lazily got up from bed. It took a moment to decide what to do and I went off straight to have a cold shower. Yeah, I just weird like that, cold shower on a cold morning.

As soon as I entered my room, the smell of hot coffee caught my nostril. And there it was,  waiting for me on my study table. I bet my roommate made it for me while I was in the shower right before she left for her class. I checked my mailbox and his email caught me by surprise. He never sent me emails before except for interesting articles. I clicked open that no-subject email, then read his words carefully. My heart started aching at once. He wrote about a girl that he met recently, a sophomore to be precise. They went out for a few times now and he mentioned that he thinks he loves her.

My brain paused for a moment. I couldn’t think straight and confused. I clicked reply but the page remained blank. Half-consciously, I googled for Avril Lavign’s Girlfriend lyrics, copied-pasted to the blank page, bold a few lines that would make him easily understand the message I wanted to convey through that lyrics and directly I click that “send” button. I grin while looking outside to the open wide blue sky.

Just a mere reply to my bestfriend’s email has made my day even though the clock on the wall only ticking to 1115 in the morning. I’m a fun girl, mayhap the spunkiest girl alive you’ll ever meet on this planet. 

songs

Is there any song that can make you smile right there and then? The kind that makes you suddenly see the bright side of everything with colorful rainbows and might be some portion of fireworks in between. I have a few that I sort of as the soundtracks of my life.

1.Mr Brightside; The killers

2. the middle;Jimmy eat world

3.Glad; Tyler Hilton

4. Kissing you; Miranda Cosgrove

5.Jika kau tiada; Yusry ft Erra Fazira

6. Purity; Korean Drama soundtrack.

I usually look out for the lyrics, but these are exceptional cases. There’s no such as intricate or absorbing storyline out of these, let alone any historic past engaged between myself and the songs. However their melody is magnetic to my eardrums.

before dawn

"There is a distinct difference between a wise man and a clod. That can be heard when they are speaking. One shouldn’t look up herself or himself too high. You might stumble if your eyes are fixed to the skies instead of the front. One, might also trip if he walked while looking back."

Spread the florid table-clothe on the lush green grass under a yew tree, overlooking looming mountains on a fine day with some scones and a pot of tea should be lavish enough for a twisted soul like yours truly. A girl needs some nature therapy, trying to figure out her life; placing the missing puzzles. Oh, how I wished a plane ticket to Bristol or Bath mayhap, lying on my study table when I open my eyes in the morning. Too much of daydreams bring not so much good. Bear that in mind, girls (and boys).

I’ve been immersed myself into A Knight in Shining Armor until my eyes went red and moist. That’s the effect of reading from computer screen, so-called ergonomic. I put a halt on the reading and planning to venture into something else that usually comes up either watching movies or anything on TV; the two tedious options I pledge as boredom by heart.

Most of my friends took part-time job while waiting for our application or placement to be responded. At least, they do have something to do during the day and are enveloped with tiresome as the night approached. Thus, they easily drift off into a deep sleep. Unlike me, who is still wide awake in the middle of the night and only will be able to sleep when the sun rises from the east. Looking on the bright side, within a month I managed to finish my reading on some books that I bought like a lifetime ago. hehe.. Talking about procrastination, here’s the queen with enormous baroque pearl tiara on my auburn head. Auburn?? My ass, tummy. Just kidding.

It seems like reading is the sole choice I have to fill up my time besides watching TV which I have done more than a lot lately, and I have no desire to watch anymore series or movies that I fervently download before I kissed warm goodbye to UTP. Flashing back to the time where Gwyneth Paltrow still dated the foxy Ben Afflect, I think I’ve much more than reading to do during holiday. Oh yes, being a kid is very much wonderful, nay? and the perspective of paying my own bills, renting house or apartment, or going over for a visit to car dealer are still alien matters for me to swing. However, that’s how life going to treat me soon. Very soon.

So my friends, who are in the same heels, don’t waste and linger around your house without doing nothing if you too don’t have part-time job. Let us together pick a book from the shelf and read. Jadikan budaya membaca amalan kita.

a close friend of mine told me that there’s no such thing as nothing to do because there are many things that can be done. Such as, as a muslim, it’s good to read and understand the holy quran translation every now and then. After all, that is the greatest book amongst all. Even the big-time bestsellers cannot compete with that.