milky nights

Tonight is one of those casual working nights. Besides the oozing urge to pour some thoughts in here, there is nothing less or more. It’s equal.

My mind rest in peace when I came back home and see my favourite blue comforter folded neatly on the bed, clothes are gracefully put in the wardrobe. All of sudden, my life means so much more. I guess the saying is true, take care of you belonging. Don’t live in mess!

There is always a first time for everything. Remember when we had our first walk while we were toddlers, the first time we waved good bye with teary eyes to our parents the day they sent us to boarding school? Or the first day at work? Well, last night was my first time drinking milk before sleep in one decade and half. Seriously! I was and still am excited about it until now! So people, lets add some calcium to our body and lets drink milk.

Good night!

Bubla bubbles

Truth is, self-discipline is so much important and that is one thing I don’t really possess. If only I could install it and pay monthly, then I could wave good bye to procrastination and value my time even more.

Hello world.

I woke up this morning, looking directly at the naked orange blue sky. It was so beautiful. That is the blessing I’ve been blessed with ever since I moved my bed to this side of the room with the curtain wide open. Hello wonderful weekends.

I’ve been telling myself lately that I should tidy up my room, put some make ups on it and lining my perfumes bottles accordingly. On the other note, I bought myself a brand new Hugo Boss which I absolutely in love with at the very first smell. So they say, first cut is the deepest here is the same with my selection of perfumes. First smell is very much important. Still, no perfume can beat my love towards Issey Miyake-Floral. Go get one dearies.

Scrolling down pictures in my gallery, I realized there was so much fun that I had not put them into words like how I caught sunset in Miri, teambuilding and such. Life can be so wonderful sometimes, if we look at it closely.

Hence, I will discipline myself to discuss good topic in here!

Till then.

Monday Blues

I always see myself as an optimist. I think I was wrong because the thing is, I’m not that optimistic towards a lot of things. so now, I consider myself as a fun girl and a bit emotional. There, I said it out loud.

Being in all-girls school actually shaped your character. The movies we watch while we were young kids, the songs we listen to and the endless conversation we had are the key factors that build our characters and attitudes. Frankly speaking, I’m blessed because I am surrounded by many types of characters. Really. Some of my friends are really rational and I can discuss with them problems which I see as irrelevant in the very first place, but soon the perspective changed once we talk. Then, there this certain kind who are sceptical which I believe trying their best to be realist in every aspect of their live. I won’t say that’s wrong but this type of people won’t entertain your emotional turmoil at all.

The point is, appreciate the friends that you have. They are not perfect. The have flaws here and there, so do you. So I wanna convey a huge and mountains of “thank-you”s to my friends who stick around during my ups and downs. This little thing is often neglected but actually plays a big important role in our lives; the culture of saying thanks.

the job, the book and the songs

The time stealer.

Let me brief you an example:

I was about to blog. Then, there comes this advertisement on Samsung application that can be installed for photo editing for my phone and there goes 10 minutes of figuring that out. In those 10 minutes, I could actually write a single short entry. I can’t imagine how much time wasted between the interval to do the things that I plan (suppose) to do in my daily routine. Let’s hope you and I can really use up our time well.

Hi hello.

This weekend had been spent nicely, I would say. Scratched the fact that my room is still in a medium-messy state, everything else seems to be normal. Suffice to say, this is all I need from a weekend. To rest and to read and do some thinking. Early this morning, I woke up with an anxious feeling regarding the undone presentation pack. It’s about my job. I know I haven’t rant much on my job. One, because I don’t like it that much, frankly speaking. Two; I don’t know why but recently I read about stagnant people and all of sudden I felt like one. I tried to conceal the negative thought and did some thinking on how I can actually improve given the proper time and training, but all I wanted to do now is stop lying to my own self. Firstly, I have to accept the fact that what I’m doing right now is not actually what I had in mind when I first started my semester in UTP 6 years back. Secondly, if this is what I got, for now, then don’t try to tell me it’s not worth it. Obviously I thought I’m worth more knowing I’m the planner of my life, but hey I forgot that there’s a hand guide me all this while. Live with what you have to the fullest and strive more. I read the saying somewhere, and I will try to apply it. We’ll see.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower is not that boring after all. It has this effect that grips you all along.  It does also tell me how different for each individual and made me realize the beautiful of friendship.

Funny, when I pause and look back and realize certain things. one: I couldn’t bring myself listening to Adele’s Someone Like You because it used to hurt that much and today I can actually laugh about it. Two: A Thousand Years so much more nicer these days. In conclusion, I think my heart is gradually open for the right reason to love and the hopefully to the right person. InsyaaAllah.

my dearest

"Fifth, to stare at a yellowish photo, a kind of yellow that only happen due to time effect and knowing that the person in the photo is no longer around"- ANO, 2013

Looking at this photo caused the lump in my throat and the post-effect after looking at it is the teary eyes. The picture is not yellowish, but the later sentence is true. To realize that the old man in the photo is no longer around somehow triggered a few thoughts.

There’s no such thing as perfect love or perfect man in this world except for Rasulullah SAW, but in the little world of my own, he was and his love is beyond perfect for me. Really.

I realized he must be very special in my life because even the sight of his baju melayu managed to make me cry until now. It’s been 10 years since the last time he kissed my forehead.

How can I ever give up teh ais when we used to spend evenings together with it.

Until now, I’m blessed to witness a few solemnization; be it friends or close relatives. And the first thought crossed my mind would be he wouldn’t be there when my dad hands me over to my future husband. I’d say that is the saddest thought ever.

There is graduation picture of me getting the scroll from Tun Mahathir on my wall. Sometimes, I wonder it’d be better if he could be there too. I long to see him alive in one of my graduation pictures. I know it’s not right to think such way.

I wonder how I can love that much and it saddens me to think that he loved me much more. I’m afraid if my prayers never reached him due to my weaknesses as a muslimah. If that so, how would I ever repay all, I mean all that he had done for me. hence, I’m trying to be a better muslimah. I’m taking baby steps towards it. Amiin.

I guess this is the genuine love we shared. Even though he’s not around, the thought of him itself pulls me up and move me forward.

I am blessed. Alhamdulillah.

Feeling sunday

Of today

Leisure. Bliss. Defines by this:
Esok kerja jadi hari ini kita bersuka ria ok? Eh silap. Esok kerja jadi hari ini kita kumpul semangat dan semua positive energy.

Pengalaman memang ajar kita banyak benda. Its our own right to choose. All of sudden i feel blessed to have this blog. Like seriously.

Esok hari penting. Lusa juga hari penting. Bring it on!

feb 6!

in whatever you do, be discipline! it'll bring you anywhere.
have dreams. have vision. know your purpose in life. and don't forget we're dying and we'll be truly  living when we wake up to be judged.

-today's advice from different occasions; the talk i attended, the conversations i had, and the book i read.

good night :)

my pearls of thoughts

I love reading. I love listening to the instrumental music; alone in my room, preferably raining outside. I’m not sure if people would call me a dork if they know about this fact, it is what it is. Since I am so much in love with reading, I can start reading 3 books all at the same time, well you know it’s quite long to finish ‘em. Actually, I do have my own reason for that. If you know me for quite some time, you will notice that I am not someone who can focus into one thing for a long time. I’m blessed with this fickle mind towards liking on something, but thank god, not a fickle heart.

If you know me a while longer, then you would notice that I talk quite a lot. I talk about silly things, not a very important stuffs I would say and I also laugh on average jokes or might be considered not in the same code of funny zone. Hopefully, I can improve on this matter. Maybe, start talking about serious stuffs. I don’t know. We’ll see how it goes.

A good friend of mine pointed out that I can get really emotional, at times. In my defence, I said I am not. I said that I could bear long distance relationship and I didn’t expect my future husband; whoever he is, to be with me all the time. Let’s face it. I lied to myself. That was my presumption for myself few years back when I was still a teenager who only weighed about 50 kgs and the most crucial thing to think about at that time was SPM. As I am evolving into more matured woman (hopefully!) with more responsibilities to carry on my shoulder, I do realize now that I need support. I foresee it’s not that easy to raise kids all alone because without proper time management, support and love situation can go whirlwind. It might be due to aging factor, I do feel tired most of the time after working hours now. I’ve been doing some reading on it, and I realized I might not fully utilize my energy into the right portion. Like, waking up early, sleep early, reading quran continuously and  such. I should experiment those activities before it’s too late to become habits. Amiin!

Oh my god! (read it loud with the highest tone!)

I NEVER EVER thought moving on/getting over someone would be this damn hard. The first time experience was not so much due to the fact we were in different continents with not so much things to worry about because I was still a student (young and dangerous, somemore). However, still, the first time taught me a lot and Alhamdulillah I managed to pull through. This time around is different scenario. The fact that I have to see the face that you want to get over every single day, it’s kinda hard. Alhamdulillah, I’m blessed with a few souls that I can trust and told me this is a phase that I will eventually get through. I know I will. All of sudden, one theory that I refused to take into consideration in the first place comes floating into my mind and I think his view is quite relevant.

His theory is like this: you’re not actually got over someone unless you find someone new.

It’s quite true, nay?

I’m not particularly sure about the detail of his point of view, but I think that someone new is not a replacement. That someone new is actually someone you think you can start a life with, someone who loves you back; someone who is meant to be with you for the rest of your life, to improve together. (that sounds sweet!) I do really need to do adjustment in my emotional department. so maybe this is my pursuit to happiness? Nope! I’m already happy. Maybe this is a challenge Allah puts me through to test and strengthen my heart and to prov one of the “ayats” in the quran that stated Allah knows best while we are not. J

daily crumbles!

"...Again, during the commonwealth Heads of government meeting in Edinburgh, Scotland, in 1997, I met Tony Blair, who had only just become Prime Minister of Britain. I explained the effect of currency trading to him at length and asked him to take it up with the IMF, but my efforts came to nothing." -Page 671 (Currency Crumble), A Doctor In The House.

" I went to work today. i dont understand about entitlement issues. I sorted out emails and realized there are two pending projects which the deadlines are next week. i did nothing/ haven't started anything about it. and there goes, my so-called ex crush; the one that i'm still struggling to move on from came and joked about funny stupid things." Me, of today January 30th.

I know. I shouldn't compare myself with our ex-prime minister but i hope you can see my point here. this is not about comparison but this is more about values that i hold onto, how i look on my responsibilities be it small or big. responsibility is a big word, really. it's never about the result, it's more the efforts. the kind of thing that i'm lacking. the one thing that i should be struggling more instead of struggling with the abovementioned.

that, makes me think; as a human/as a person/ as a muslim who believes that i'll be standing in front of Allah to be judged i really should prioritize my struggling on which responsibilities. shouldn't I? Shouldn't we?

i'll have a long way to learn. the point of perfection will never be reached, hopefully those points of betterment will be crossed from time to time. Insyaa Allah.

Good night! :)

Definitely maybe.

At this stage, it still is undefined. No. The right word would be uncertain.

#1
It was Thursday. Second day at work. I was still bored because I knew no one, I could not talk and stay silence for a long time. People who are dear to me know well how bad i am in dealing with silence.

An hour passed. Later that morning, the other newcomers told me there would be a class that i could join. Yeay! At least something to do! And i thought i was done with class after graduation. That seemed wrong. There were 5 or 6 of us. I could not remember then there he was; with that not so-friendly smile you could get from a stranger, the hairdo which was obviously nowhere to be defined to be my liking and the most opposite attribute of my usual term to be my crush - he was with a pair of glasses!

Right there and then, "ouch!!!"- my heart shrieked! I fell hard. For you.

#2
It was sunday. I was late and everyone including teachers were waiting for me at the jetty. I ran frantically to the counter, afraid if i might miss the ferry. My eyes sought after the familiar faces and no one could match. I nearly cried when i saw my friends waved at me. I was so relieved.

We reached Pulau Tuba about an hour later. We were divided into groups and mine was called chedar. I knew nothing what that was. Then right there he stood, with folded sleeve of maroon shirt. I blinked twice. I thought to myself "wow. This is the boyfriend material". Who could blame me? I was 16.

As much as i wanted to say they are the options, too bad because that would be a total lie. And i refuse to live in a lie.

My name is Ana. The abovementioned stories are non-fictional. But no! I didnt fall in love with 2 guys in the same time. #2 is definitely a history. #1 is teaching me life lessons.

I am just glad.

Maulidur rasul story

I hope the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is to say Alhamdulillah.

I hope the first person that will enter my mind will be Muhammad SAW.

recently, i've made one of the most important decision in my life thus far. and that actually hurts me a deeply. as much as i hate to portray feelings in my entries, i had to say this. whatever stupid/hurting phase that you're enduring, it shall pass and comes to an end. hence, usually each morning i would feel sad and the first thing entered my mind was the decision i made. that hurts me! so today, i woke up with the same feeling but mind you eventho the pain had subsided. then, i realized it's actually maulidur rasul and i feel so very very very much ashamed of myself and to Allah and Nabi Muhammad SAW. seriously syazana? the very first human being that should enter your mind is not the one who brings you suffering but the one should really be our prophet who loves his ummat unconditionally and pray for us even before we were born! subhanallah. and now, i feel so much much better.

alhamdulillah. 

and i know i made the right decision :)

Night talk

Today has been a rollercoater ride of emotion for me. With my current mood swing due to PMS, it's harder to keep focus in one piece, let alone to rationalize.

Anyways,

Have you ever felt so stupid that makes you wanna punch someone in the face? Well i did today. I dont know where was the strength coming from, but i did manage to lighten my mood later in the afternoon. And actually, laughed about the thing that i was stressed about.  Funny how hormones work.

So now before i drifting off into slumberland, i try to count my blessing. The things that attached most in my life now.

1. My bed. You have no idea how much i love my bed.
2. To have places called home.
3. To have a mom that understands my craziness.
4. To have a dad who loves you in silence without not much word but you know he prays for you. InsyaaAllah.
5.to have sisters that are close to you and love you.
6. To taste the sweetness of frienship
7.my laptopppp
8.time!!! To pray, to read.
9. Supplies of reading material.
10. Enough money to live as comfortably.
11. A job that translates into pahala if i do it sincerely.

And the list goes on.

So talking about being angry for not having that one thing? I dont think i wanna trade the abovementioned for it. After all, whats planned for us is always the best. Let me have the solid faith, o Allah.

Silver Lining

Inspired from Silver Lining Playbook.

Dear A,

thank you. I love(d) you since the first time I met you couple of years back. I'm sorry it took me so long to admit and put your chapter in this sanctuary before because I got stuck and I was in denial.

I thank you for you because through you I know I could fall in love again. You don't have to be sorry for you not having the mutual feeling towards me. I still will thank you, by the way. As much as I know how a heart could never be forced to love, that would be as much as I don't blame you for not loving me back. it's your right and I respect that.

I always believe prayers are the best thing ever we could offer to someone. So please, include me in yours and worries not, you're in mine. May the depth of our love towards Allah, our beloved prophet Muhammad saw and parents deepening each day for their love is incomparable and blessings to us. May we always remember that one day we'll stand before Allah and will be asked for every single deed that we do in this world. And I pray we find contentment and happiness in this world till jannah. insyaAllah.

-S-

so this is it :)

Ranting ranting kayu

Tadi,Anis ada sebut pasal masa yang dicuri. Tentang kita yang seringkali pandang belakang. Menyesal. Atau juga terlalu bimbang memikirkan masa depan. Yang nyata, itu semua pencuri masa. Tipu kalau aku bilang aku mampu menjaga masaku tanpa 1% pun dicuri. Tapi sekurang-kurangnya kalaupun terbazir aku harap bukan banyak jumlahnya.

Jam 1107 malam. Dan aku baru menapak kaki ke rumah. Dalam hati berdoa setahun dari sekarang jika berdua aku harapkan rutin sebegini tiada. Biar sesibuk mana pun. Biar kerja menimbun pun, aku doa-doa aku tahu tanggungjawab mana yang utama. Setiap kali aku fikir angan-angan untuk jadi isteri solehah, secara tak langsung ingatkan aku tentang tanggungjawab sebagai seorang baby kepada emak abah. Sudah cukup sempurnakah? Sempurna itu mustahil, utk diperbaiki lagi tentang role yang satu itu insyaaAllah.

Doalah utk kebahagiaan ibu bapa. InsyaAllah tak putus rezeki. Hehe..

Goodnight.

Happy New Year 2013!

This is a reflection. Not anticipation; that, I’ll save to myself first.

2012 is a year full of surprises.

I can barely remember how it started. I can’t remember where I was on January 1^st this year, but what I do remember is I wished you Happy New Year and you wished me back.

Looking back, there were a lot of things happened in my life. I took the experiences bit by bit and struggled hard to understand the hidden meaning for highlights of the year. Obviously I couldn’t put everything into words, all in one entry for what had been occurred the last 365 of earth rotation. One thing for sure, some events managed to turn my life upside down.

One:

For career-wise, it has been a wonderful year with wonderful those wonderful people around. You know, when you stuck to do something that obviously is not your first sight love it’s kinda hard. It takes a lot of struggles and reminders from your own-self to be sincere. Since sincerity comes from within, I do wish I’m sincere enough when my mind and lips agreed to it. I’m blessed to have people around who constantly harking to my whines, offering and sharing their opinions. I’m forever thankful and indebted. It just gets better.

Two:

Transition from student life to working life is not that scary. I find it a lot more fun because I’m handling my very own money. There are few adjustments needed, of course and also the way I think and such. All in all, at this current phase, I’m actually meeting a lot of new different people. my opinions towards certain issues changed gradually. I hope for more positive side. my spending habit is not in a good state. I mean, you cannot spend huge amount of money for different fragrances in 2 weeks. That; clearly need improvement.

Three:

I finally found a real replacement for the lost Iphone 4 last year. Alhamdulillah. It’s Samsung Galaxy Note 2, people! very nice! Like, really really really really nice and suits me the most. *to the moon and back*

Four:

I made a clean slate with someone from my past. I should’ve made it a long time ago but the teenage me couldn’t bear the thought opposite to what I wanted hence the delay. However, it’s a big achievement and I’m eternally thankful to Allah for all the lessons that came with it. That’s the thing about life. Sometimes, we are too afraid to face our own fear, afraid of what others might think of us, afraid to be different. I know I still have a lot to learn but one thing for sure, I refuse to lead the same pattern of life for the rest of my life.

Five:

Letting go is never easy. Thus, I’m praying hard that we all do possess the ability to let go things that are liabilities to us and focus more on something that is more beneficial for us to keep. Please be reminded that for every obstacle we have to endure, Allah knows. Never ever give up on Him because that’s the only way we will never ever give up on ourselves. Let’s strive to be better in every aspect of life eventho the changes might be slow. It’s okay as long as we’re not stagnant, right?

Last but not least, Happy New Year 2013!!!

love you like a love song baby

it’s weekends already. Week-end! That means Saturday and Sunday. I should’ve just applied annual leave on Monday but something came up, something is always coming up hence I decided not to.

I almost forgot how it feels to be all sweat, working out. The feeling that comes with it is just so amazing. Excuses built up based on false foundation of not having time to jog or to play squash melted away when I read about commitment few days back. We are human being. We actually have to commit to ourselves. I still half-heatedly believe in all those unleash potential thingy but well, why not give it a try. Like, doing something you don’t really like to do. Why don’t you try if it’s obviously harmless and legal?

If we manage to wake up early, then we’ll have yoga first thing in the morning tomorrow. Life, isn’t it just wonderful? I miss my mom!

Good night.

Friday Night!

You heard it right.

You read it right.

I lost my phone. Again.

So friends, be mindful when you’re in LRT. Zip your bag, and make sure you hug it tightly! Like, seriously.

Instead of pondering with self-pity or regret or sadness, I could not decipher what was my emotion back then, hence I decided to buy a new phone. End of the world’s problem. Solved. Right there and then. Alhamdulillah.

I don’t know about you, but I do wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Like, a real, wide smile. The kind of smile carved on your face when you’re thinking something funny or something that makes you happy. And for the smile that is on my face, each morning, I feel truly blessed. Alhamdulillah. So you see, life can knock us pretty hard sometimes, leaving us with the swollen bump on the forehead but hey, for the bread and nutella on the table, I think it’s more than enough to be thankful for. Once, I’ve heard people say, count your blessing. I even tried that, and surely it’s uncountable. So there.

Good night.

PD weekends

I’ve made my mind.

This little space of mine will be something that will be forever immortalized my memories, so that my daughters and sons and hopefully grandkids actually can benefit something from all sort of experiences.

Hence, before the recent memories that were carved beautifully in Port Dickson botching up, I’d rather put them in simple writing.

Off we went to Port Dickson for my department teambuilding. That was not the first time. I’ve been there a few times before, too many that I almost forgot to count. Obviously, PD is my scholar’s favourite place to hold this kind of event. Remember Soaring The Eagle, anyone?

my group.

Theme Dinner!

I’m not going to detail up each activity that we have to go through. Frankly, I saw it as something that can be tension-releaser. Most of the activities were about the same thing-teamwork and what we actually can apply those at work. As for me, I define it as a reminder of my intention why do I work, choose to be part of the department at the very first place when there was another opportunity knocked on my door once but I chose to say – no, thank you.

The merry of the weekends continued on when I crashed my friends’ teambulding which was held in PD too. Told ya. PD is a fave place for this kind of thing.

Hijacked their Dinner Night.

well, with the Artis Jemputan.

Banananananaaaaa boat!

Highlight of the weekends was clearly the banana boat experience. I’ve been longing ride that since forever.

Saying goodbye

I decided to walk away from all the pain and sadness that seems to be endless.

Just a few days back, i was all alone in a hotel room, wishing and waiting for s shooting star, for a comet to actually sprinkle its magical powder over me. Overwhelmed by sadness, i asked god where would be the end of all of the self-inflicted pain that handed in my life tray. I asked Him For a little more patience and persistence and determination to walk away. I asked a lot, really.

Today. Well, woke up in a different hotel room with one big, happy, cheerful heart. I asked so many things but i almost forgot to say thank you.
So here it is.

Dear Allah,
Alhamdulillah for all the blessing. Be it for something that i understand, or something with hidden meaning within.

Goodbye, Port Dickson. For now.

After all, life is a box of chocolate.

Leap Sunday

Sunday is beautiful when i can laze around, sipping coffee while browsing through feeds fromFacebook and Tumblr.

My phone beeped. And there were notifications of missed calls, and few instant messages sent from my darling sister. Without hesitation,i browsed through the conversation thread and pictures she sent me - of her and a castle. My eyes were tearing up right there and there, not a second late. What a beautiful pictures of a ruined castle, with her in it.

Frankly, i think tears were rolling mainly because
1. I miss my darling sister so much, you cannot even imagine. Since we are all girls in the house, we clicked just like that.
2. Thats the ruined castle from one of my most favourite movies- Leap Year.
3. I've always wanted go to UK region, there are so many places that are so much beautiful. Really!

and suddenly i miss reading so much. As much as i wanted for this beautiful weekends to stay still for me to embrace it, i am longing to go to the office and do my routine.

The effect of Teambuilding i guess. Haha

why do we blog

Why we blog?

Why did I blog in the first place?

I have a lot going on in my mind right now. Needless to mention, the workloads I have at the office, the pace that requires my time and energy; which one of the reasons I come back home with sleepy eyes and flat on my bed at 9 PM once in a while. And usually, at 11, I’d usually started my walking in slumberland. No kidding. No life. Hence, I have to blog- to distract my mind from thinking the thing called work. I still am adapting and adjusting to it. After all, I have 8 solid hours plus during the day to spend my precious time for it.

Back to the question.

Why do I blog? Why did I blog at the very first place.

I believe for every action that we do, there must be a reason behind it. Be it noble or not, it has always been a reason for something. I’m not going to jog down the memory lane, digging buried artefacts of silent memories of when was the point I started to inhibit blogspot.

I did blog because I wanted to. I was tempted to see the art of writing our own thoughts in our own website and secretly hoping my friends or the ones that matter, which worth my time read piece of mind. There, I said it. I’m pretty sure that was one of the many reasons why did I decide to launch my very own missile of thoughts, letting people into my mind; knowing the consequences that I might be constantly judged by some readers. I did it anyway. Because that was what I wanted to do; to write. Hopefully, somewhere in not so distant future, when I already have daughters/sons of my own who are big enough to read and understand, I will share my thoughts written here with them. Just so I wait.

The point is, be aware of our intention in every single thing that we do. Even the first requirement in sollah is intention. Hence, make sure our intention is always right. In syaa Allah.

PMS!

I wasn’t a firm believer in PMS. I didn’t. Back in school days, I think girls got the signs of PMS almost every day. I mean, my friends would usually say “ I’m in PMS mode. That’s why I’m hungry.” Or “I can’t study today. PMS” or those weird cravings. I seriously could not fathom what were they saying!

Science subject in form 3 changed a bit of my perspective towards PMS. By then, I knew it’s true. There are signs of PMS stated in that think green SASBADI reference book. One of the symptoms was mood swing. I was a happy kid, you know. I can barely remember I had mood swing back then, that’s pretty true. Still, until that time, I didn’t use PMS as the reason if I ever felt like sleeping the whole Saturday the whole weekend. I just knew that I was lazy to study. I even forced myself to sleep. Hehe. However, I rarely opted to behave such way since the word of PMR exam could make us shiver. What was the big deal about it, I still couldn’t measure. 8A was a very big deal to everyone.

Source::Google

So now, as years went by, I changed a bit. I started to feel uneasy a week before having the menstrual; the laziness, the cravings and such. I’m still wondering whether those are the symptoms of PMS or is it just me giving excuses to myself when I’m not in the mood to do something. That makes me think, what a bad habit I do possess if my action is according to my mood. Logically thinking, it’s still sinful if I skip my prayer because I am so lazy. Hence, I should force myself a bit right. To at least do what I need to do for the sake of I have to do it and that is my responsibility. 

I came out with the idea of this because at times, I feel like giving myself too many excuses and cut myself too much slacks. And that’s not good for my own growth. I realize now that as we age, our responsibilities become more. I’m a grown up. (Freaking surprise face!) plus, I pay my own bill! 

Good night pretties! Assalamualaikum wbt.

Istanbul Aku Datang

okay. the title speaks for itself.

it's true that i watched this movie at cinema for two times, already. i believe when the online movie is out, then i will sitting idly, all smiling in front of my laptop, watching, i also believe that one day, when i have daughters of my own, i'll spend our movie-time together some time during weekends, laugh through out the funny scenes. Reverse a bit, i will also practically force their dad to watch this movie with me. seriously.

Sunday morning is beautiful as always. despite, some drama added to it, that too, still failed to wash away the harmonious feeling. truthfully, i am thankful for having certain problem in my life, because from there it's a sweet reminder for me not to do these little improper things to the guests. it's just not nice behaving like that. i pray that one day, you and me will have the courage to pluck out all these bad behaviors lie in our hearts. ameeen.. InsyaAllah.

back to Istanbul Aku Datang.

Frankly speaking, i admire Dian. she's an optimistic girl with very determined determination. i couldn't remember when was the last time i really hope for something as much as she did. the only slack was, she put all her hopes into human, not the Almighty. there were some bitter memories i had to go through few years back which frankly, made me think it'd be better to just follow the flow instead of hoping too much. however i think it's okay to be hopeful, as long as we put our hope in the right place.

besides all the cliche the love triangle that is portrayed in this movie, the whole story is realistic. it shows how a boy would behave if he already lost interest in the girl he used to love.

hint; when the girl says "I love you", he would hesitantly replies "I love you too" or just "me too".

never been there. never done that. but some of my friends can attest to this statement.

so you guys out there, if you still haven't watched this movie, lets do it!

take away from Istanbul Aku Datang.

1. Macbook is so tempted. i might as well get it one day. InsyaAllah.
2. Couldn;t believe myself that i actually watched this movie 2 times in the cinema. this only happen for transformers before.
3. If you love someone, Doa the best for both of you. insyaAllah, Allah will show the way.
4. Istanbul is really a nice place. with a beautiful scenery.

these two

1. I hope everyone, each and everyone of you lovely and handsome people will enjoy listening Cough Syrup, Melanie Martinez's version as much as I do. really.

i surrender to the sound of drum. in addition to that, there's lyrics saying "a wet world aches for a beat of a drum". so now tell me, how can possibly on earth i won't love this song? when the favourite word and sound collide together.

2. Akan Datang- Tomok.

all smiling, hugging heart-shape red pillow. looking like a girl who is terribly in love. truth is, in love with none but herself. for now. so while i'm at it, it's worth your money if you decide to spend on a movie ticket for Istanbul Aku Datang. this movie is definitely lifting up malay movie to another different level. frankly, for someone who roots for chic-flick comedy drama like yours truly, it's a thumb up.

good night.

Little Experience

Bismillah..

Lately I’ve found myself occupied with many other things, hence the shortage of time to write. I mean, to really write instead of just posting a few quickies from copy-paste interesting stories that I’ve found from internet.

This morning, I decided to spare sometime to write on something that I think worth sharing.

Firstly, it’d be very nice if you could read through this article. It’s true indeed.

http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2009/11/13/is-this-love-im-feeling/

TV plays an important role in shaping our mind, without we even realized it. Without I even realized it. Believe it or not, I used to believe that true love is the kind of love I saw in hindi movies. Oh yes, I am from the era when hindi movies overflowing our entertainment industry. As the time passed by, I’ve found reading, and then my perception of love changed accordingly to the books I’ve read. So you see, what we see, read, hear (through songs) indirectly shape our mind and how we look at things.

I am blessed to feel this so-called love myself. Really. But the thing is, it’s not really “love” after all. I felt miserable and down whenever the thought of him struck my mind. Maybe it’s due to the one-sided love that I felt hence I couldn't focus. He is the kind of guy that I thought was ideal to be a boyfriend or even a husband. However, we have to bear in mind, just like as we learnt in physics or chemistry, ideal doesn’t mean real. Ideal is based on our interpretation which is humanly and more often than not is wrong. From there I knew that I built up false interpretation of love. When the love was not there anymore, what’s left was obsession and urge to have it. To have him. I forgot for a while that he is human being with feeling. Not an expensive desk or chair or perfume that I could work hard for and keep for the rest of my life. The constant calls that sometimes he would not pick up or instant messages that he would not reply were stupod thing to do yet proved how hard I tried. Along the way, I also lost him as a friend he once was. 

Alhamdulillah, reading helped me a lot, in many ways. And time, too, played a very important factor to actually reshape my mental attitude towards love. I soon realized all the pain was my own self-inflicted. I could walk away from that.

 It was a huge struggle to get rid of the urge of wanting to have and keep him. I could say that was one of my biggest struggles I’ve encountered so far. I know it might be insignificant to some, but surely not for me. Alhamdulillah, I’ve finally find a way to let go and move on.

You know sometimes in life, we don’t really see beyond of what happen. Allah knows and even mentioned in the Quran. This kind of experience is also actually a helping hand for me to fully understand and apply the meaning of tawakkal and redha which I would say two simple words with great depth of meaning and not that easy to apply. When we lost something, it will be replaced with something better.InsyaAllah. Deep in myself, I knew I wasn't really scoring with flying colours, but looking back how my opinions towords this issue changed from the past years, I think I did not fail and InsyaAllah there's a huge room for improvement.

When there's no more love to offer, as a friend, prayers are all I have to replace. Insyaa Allah.

While waiting.take five

1.stressful period:either break you and re-shape your character.always choose to re-shape.
2.time is so valuable than money.choose your deeds wisely and enjoy moment to the fullest.
3.a thankful and grateful heart will always feel enough,and strive to be better.
4.read quran and its translation everyday because it is light in our life.
5.love our parents more than anyone else because by loving them we're rewarded with pahala.insyaAllah.

Salam Maal Hijrah

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Salam Maal Hijrah :)

semoga kisah hijrah rasulullah saw yang kita cintai lebih dari semalam dan semoga cinta untuk baginda bertambah pada hari-hari mendatang dapat kita jadikan teladan bersama hendaknya. InsyaAllah.

azam tahun baru?

1. semoga tahun depan boleh jadi tetamu di rumah Allah

source: yahoo image

tolong doakan ye.

2. dapat memikul tiap-tiap tanggungjawab dan amanah yang ada dengan sebaik-baiknya.

3. dan azam-azam tahun lepas yang kena carry forward ke tahun ni;semoga semuanya dapat dilaksanakan. amiin..

till then!

rumah manis

rumah.
memang adalah tempat paling best.

seriously.

i think the saying is true-home is where the heart is. i add somemore;home is where the heart and loved ones is.

sungguh. bahagia itu datang dalam banyak cara.tak perlu rumah besar gah macam istana, cukup dengan sederhana tapi ada muka-muka yang boleh tambah pahala dan penuh kasih sayang.

setakat ni, balik rumah is the best therapy.

so yeah, lets enjoy!

Ambition

Eghhhh i need my laptop. Theres not much fun blog from ipad eventho its convinient and such but i still need my laptop.

Hence i shall say good night for now!till then!

Assalamualaikum

ujian

hari ini dalam sejarah.
sebab?
esok tak akan ada lagi hari ini.

alhamdulillah.tipu kalau aku cakap hidup ak setenang lautan tanpa ribut.kalau dengar aku bagitahu itu, aku minta maaf awal2.ti bermakna aku tipu.

aku dalam phase yang sedang rancak diuji.dengan iman yang senipis kulit bawang dan kesabaran yang mungkin lagi nipis,aku panjatkan doa agar ak terus tabah. paling tidak pun,aku redha.bila redha,baru kita lagi bersyukur. dalam sepuluh nikmat yang Allah beri,satu aku diuji dan aku melatah. aku harap ada sesuatu yang baik yang mampu aku pelajari dari apa yang aku sedang lalui sekarang ni.insyaAllah.

jadi,yang paling penting di sini,jangan give up.
(Alquran 39:53)

Wisdom advice

Pernah satu ketika seorang sahabat Rasulullah saw, Ibnu Masud didatangi oleh seorang lelaki yang raut wajahnya murung (berduka). Lalu lelaki itu berkata:

 "Wahai Ibnu Mas'ud, berikanlah kepadaku satu nasihat yang dapatku jadikan sebagai penawar untuk hatiku yang gelisah ini. Sejak akhir-akhir ini, perasaanku tidak begitu tenteram, jiwaku sentiasa gelisah, fikiranku juga selalu kusut. Aku tidak selera hendak makan, tidurku pun tidak lena."

Mendengar itu Ibnu Mas'ud terus berkata: 

"Sekiranya itulah penyakit yang menimpa jiwamu, maka hendaklah kamu bawa hatimu mengunjungi tiga tempat iaitu ,

1)tempat orang membaca al Quran sama ada kamu membacanya atau kamu mendengarnya. 

2)Kedua, majlis pengajian yang mengingatkan hatimu kepada Allah dan 

3)ketiga, carilah tempat dan waktu yang sesuai supaya kamu dapat beribadat kepada Allah SWT dengan khusyuk dan tulus ikhlas.

The medicine

i should be writing my PPA now, but I'm blogging instead.
these past few days have been a few of my bleakest in my life, thus far. alhamdulillah, during these so-called bleakest hour i've found my light. so the saying is true, there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

a mother's hugs and eyes are more than enough to wash away doubts, partly. and i am forever grateful for that matter. alhamdulillah. and the other medicine that have always worked out is reciting al-quran. I'm blessed to have someone who constantly remind me the importance of reading al-quran. I'm not saying I'm all good enough by doing so, no, it's not it. the point is, the tranquility we'll get each time, i repeat, each time after reciting quran. it's just too good to be true. for that person who always and always and always check on my quran's recitation, i am forever and ever grateful to have you in my life. alhamdulillah.

Perumpamaan orang mu’min yang suka membaca al-Quran ialah seperti buah utrujjah (اَلْاُتْرُجَّة), baunya enak dan rasanya pun enak.  Dan perumpamaan orang mukmin yang tidak suka membaca al-Quran ialah seperti buah kurma, tidak ada baunya, tetapi rasanya manis.  Adapun perumpamaan orang munafik yang suka membaca al-Quran ialah seperti minyak harum, baunya enak sedang rasanya pahit.  Dan perumpamaan orang munafik yang tidak suka membaca al-Quran ialah seperti rumput hanzolah (اَلْحَنْظَلَة), tidak ada baunya dan rasanya pun pahit.”

(muttafaq alaih)

Assalamualaikum wbt.

The Time Keeper

Mitch Albom.
The Time Keeper.

this is his latest book. i started with Tuesdays With Morrie, couple of years back; that i finished in one night with red, swollen eyes due to crying. i never cried that much in my entire life for a character i did that night. it's such a good book. you can borrow from me.

so this time around, I didn't cry as much as i did from his previous books (Have a little faith, Five People you meet in Heaven, and For one More Day), however i shed some tears like it was obligated to do so after/during reading his writing. i mean, when people talk to you indirectly about hope, about being hopeful about how we spent our life, how we're gonna spend the rest of our life in a manner that speaks directly to your heart, you just cry, don't you? The Time Keeper mentioned about how we always rush into things, rushing to the end without wanting to enjoy the moment we ever had, or the one we're having now.

take myself for an example, when i start reading a book i want to know the end so badly. never once i did flip the last page, only i have this anxiousness that makes me read faster without really appreciate what's been told. so yeah, i rush things. i rush into making decision.

"Manusia itu sifatnya tergesa-gesa". one of the ayat in the Quran. (I'm very sorry, I forgot which surah it is). there, the theory of this book is proven.

Hence, from now onward, i'll make this as one of my small jihad to overcome my weakness. to complain less, and be more grateful for all the time i have in this world. for all the time my parents', friends', sisters', families' have for me. for us.

one of my favourite line from this book is;
Moment. you either let it pass, or grab it.

A&H lah sangat

Assalamualaikum :)

Hello people. i am still breathing and currently happy because now i can do work from home, at night. hopefully, there'll be no more stay late at the office. why would i want to stay there if i have this one comfy bed with pillows at home? i can do work in bed! yes yes yes.

if you refer to my last post, i did blog about Adam&Hawa the series. I'm not saying I'm all hooked up to that show, it just that, well it's not that bad either. for now, i still am stuck at episode 10 because i was so angry watching it. i would never imagine if i had to go through what she had to, like excuse me, one minute you're all happy kindy teacher who is waiting for placement in the uni, and the minute later, without even your mistake you are married to irresponsible jerk that can be classified as "murahan" since he calls every girl he meets as "sayang/darling". i know it's not real. it's fiction but still, the pain would still be the same, if it we real. i'm easily influenced you see. from someone who were really against to watch the drama (because i don't agree that Aaron Aziz got the role, not because he'a not good but simply because he's not physically fit for the character. hello, Adam Mukhriz should be more or look younger, and macam poyo2 sikit with goofy smile which Aaron doesn't have!) but never mind, he plays the role really well. since a few colleagues from office talked about it constantly and housemate(s) that is/are drooling over Adam's character thus i made my mind to give it a try.

well, i believe there's a lot more novel-base would come out. maybe, Kau Yang Satu or maybe Sehangat Asmara. I read too much novels after PMR! the effect of being in all-girls boarding school where you have constant supplies of Sweet Valley (that one!), Fear Street, Ahadiat Akashah's. the good old days. talking about growing up, it has been almost 7 years since i left high school. sweeeeeeeet memories!

i have ACD on Wednesday. wish me luck baby!

"and don't claim i never wrote anything about you".- Inspired from One Tree Hill

24

subhanallah.
alhamdulillah.
allahuakbar

the ideal mommy

ideal. means, in my head which has yet to be reality.

since my mother is very good with cookings, i always have this vision that i should be good at it too for my kids.

below might be my routine;

I wake up at 5 am in the morning.
prepare breakfast for the kids.
waiting for their school bus.
send the youngest to nursery.
go to office as early as i could (with the assumption i will still be working at the same company, with same flexible working hours)
at 5 pm, pick those chatty, cute kids of mine and go home. listen to their stories at school (kids have a lot to share! i know because i would tell my mother everything of what i did at school. not only her, i would repeat the same story to my father, late grandfather and my grandmother too)
ask the eldest to look after the rest while i'm busy at the kitchen preparing dinner.
teach them reciting quran/muqaddam after maghrib prayer.
have dinner.
help them with homeworks while facebook-ing. hehee
read them bedtime stories.
by 10 pm i go to sleep.

sounds simple eh? i bet it's a lot harder to do it later on. hopefully i have all positive energy in the world to accomplish this. I don't insert my future husband's role because I am thinking as an individual. it'll be a lot easier when he comes into picture. insyaAllah.

okay, lets compare my routine now;

wake up at 6 am for subuh prayer.
continue sleeping until 715. (i don't know since when i instilled this habit because i seldom sleep after subuh back in utp. ishhh)
prepare myself to go to office. arrived around 830 am.
Leave office at 6 pm.
If i dont go straight home, i'll go for dinner or playing squash (which is also a rare case these days) or coffee.
At home, watching tv. borak with housemates.
Go to room, spend time browsing youtube or watching series then sleep.

it's gonna be tough in the future. hence, i should be tougher. (ouchh)

okay good night!

late night talk

i was never a structured writer, from day one of blogging. i never am till now. but i will try to put my thoughts in line so people can actually get the point of what i am trying to say.

comprehension.

back in school, english was one of my favourite subjects becasue it was light and easy. unlike physics, you have to understand the concepts and application. come to think of it, there are so many aspects in life where we can apply physics. for example, inertia. it does matter in life, don't you think? not just physically matter, i mean even our internal emotion does apply inertia. if you are reluctant to do something that we should do, there's a huge inertia that we have to overcome. hence, inertia matters, people!

back to the first topic-english. i enjoyed english when we have to do the essay; the creative writing. i like spending the two solid hours writing, pouring down my thoughts into a simple yet interesting story depending on the questions given. i don't know how does the SPM question works these days, but during my time we could choose 1 out of 5 topics. usually, i would go for a question that i could simply carve out plot and story line.

years later which is now, i realize my life is not all about creative writing which is light and easy. it involves a lot more. all bits and pieces from physics, biology and even maths. yes, i don't really apply those quadratic equations before deciding what's to have for breakfast but there is something i learnt back then can be applied here. frankly, i don't really bother to understand at the first place, but it's a lot easier when we actually do. from there, we could define our own momentum in life. i might be slow in certain things, hopefully i am not stagnant. insyaAllah.

the past year has taught me quite a few new things.

1. i don't always get what i want. not sure whether what i got is what i needed. i believe so and still am trying to understand the reasons behind.
2. open heart and mind can accept almost everything. I'd like to relate the concept here is redha. what a simple word with a great depth of meaning.
3. love is a great force. what a shame to let your tears rolling down for someone but rarely cry for those sins we made daily.
4.don't give up on amanahs given :) just don't.

selamat malam.

it's been a while since the last time i blogged. i mean, to really write down my thoughts in a structured manner. i guess when we were young (i meant to say; when i was younger) i had so many things to say out loud. my range of topics was wider as like i could write for hours, spent my time typing frantically trying to string every word in one sentence. those days are gone, dearies. all we have now is me with this think mental blog, leaving this blog untouched for quite sometime, and then return with some portion of thoughts that failed to be told properly. this is a phase everyone (or just me) has to go through. aging process!

so lets go to the very first topic that crossed my mind - Adam Mukhriz. almost everyone now is hooked up to this new drama on tv. actually, it's a novel, translated into a movie (tv series) that is now showing. with a very good soundtrack featuring Hafiz (gosh, his voice!) and Malaysian Diva-Dato Siti is a terrific combo. Here's a thing or two i know about Adam from the novel. at first, i don't quite agree the producer chose Aaron Aziz to play Adam's role. well, yeah it's undeniably true and obvious Aaron has the credibility of how a pilot should look like- handsome, tall, buff and such but hey there's more for a character. for Adam's character. from the novel he has this one side of him that is funny and getting matured along the way. As for Ain Hawani, i have no comment. why? because i kinda menyampah with her character. merajuk ape panjang-panjang macam tu. all in all, for that novel, I'd give 7/10.

home sweet home

i am trying to make use my free time while waiting for train for example to blog,like Anis. i'm the kind of person who always wait for the right time to do something if there was not any dateline. hence,the procrastination.

alhamdulillah.

a good person opened up my eyes today and keeps reminding me to focus more.dont wait.just do it.there's not gonna be any perfect time or the most right time to do something. if i could do it now,then now it is. hence,this post.

i spent two days in Kerteh with my good friends and i tasted worldly heaven. there's this one good feeling whenever you are with your good friends.you can talk about almost everything and everyone. i wish i could write more.but i am so sleepy right now.so till then

Testing

Hi,
Testing. Well im now blogging directly from my ipad. Alhamdulillah. I made my mind and seriously best gile. Go getttt oneeee!!!

hope

Hope.

Pause.

I wrote about it not a long time ago. And tonight, for some reasons I’m going to write about it again. In different manner and maybe different ideas. Let’s see how it goes.

Hope is sharp. It cuts deep in your veins and keeps you bleeding. Hope is not something that people around you can easily snatch it away from you, throw it far until you couldn’t see. it won’t be gone the next minute or next hour after you decided to get rid of it. No! it doesn’t work that way. It takes habit to purge from the falls hopes. It takes conscious mind and time. Time is the healer which owns the power. In this case “eventually” is a big word. Huge word.

Hence, choose your hopes wisely. Do hope wisely. And put your hopes in His hands because only He knows best.

midnight talk

My mother is one of the coolest people I’ve ever known in my entire life. My father might kill me for this statement but sorry abah, even you is not cool like mom. Hehe..peace.

I can talk for hours with her, about almost everything. That includes; crush/potential boyfriends. I don’t like keeping my emotion bottled up inside especially whenever I had rough days. After all, she’s just a phone call away evethough we’re physically miles away.

Tonight I realized that I’ve been away from home since I was 13. Since my birthday is on October, basically I left home when I was 12. For the first few months were the toughest time of my life in boarding school. I cried almost every night, alone. This is the thing. If you are a happy person, easily amused and laugh for not so funny jokes, you prefer to cry alone rather than show it to others. I’ve read it somewhere. I’m not a cry baby but lets be honest, people do cry sometimes. We cry when we sad or disappoint and sometimes because we feel so grateful. That’s what people do – cry when they need to.

So here’s the thing about my mother. I’m very close to her. I think in her eyes, I’m still 10 although I know I don’t even look like one. But regardless how difficult my life at some point (frankly, I couldn’t quite figure why I’m so emotional at times and felt life is difficult when it actually not a biggie) I never cried to her. Maybe because I have this level of reserved ego, or maybe I just have this tendency not to share my sadness with others. There’s nothing fun grieving on problems. Talking about/grieving about problems are two distinctly different things you know. You’d better define it correctly or people will eventually get bored listening to your ranting. For god sake, people can just listen; they can’t do anything about it. It’s you who decides. The power is in your hand. But I know, it feels nice to vent out about worries to others. I’m a girl. I know how does it feel and work. We like to complicate simple things. Well, that’s normal.

I’m learning and still absorbing the fact that my decisions or plans are not always right and the best. Experiences tend to prove this theory. At first I thought, my lack of judgement incurred all of this dissatisfaction. Then, I learn about the fact everything happens for reasons. Not because Allah doesn’t love or abandon us, but it’s one way to teach me a very good lesson and proof what’s been said in Quran is true ; An-Nisa’;19. (it may be you dislike a thing but Allah brings through it a great deal of good).  Lets hold on to that and become a better muslim. Off the record, for now, I dislike excel. Yeah, that Microsoft excel. But through it there’s gonna be good thing for me. insyaAllah.

songs

My baby you

Do you know that this song is actually dedicated for his daughter named Arianna? If you didn’t, now you know right.

Well, I have ears for good songs with good lyrics. Be it funky songs, sad/melancholy songs. I know I got this from my mom. She loves listening to radio so much. You have no idea. I don’t really like to admit it, but I think I have a soft heart. I could even cry just by listening to a good song because hey, how could someone compose such a beautiful melody.

There are a few songs that I can never get over with. One of them would be Keroncong Untuk SyazANA. Lol. This definitely a very beautiful song but I wish it will never be dedicated to me from any guys. Dude, this song is real sad and the meaning is deep. Hopefully no one would love me that much if it’s written I would never return his feeling.

I first came to know about this song back in 2004 when Adam (AF2) had to perform during the show. Let’s be honest. He literally butchered the song since it’s not his genre. Few years later, I started to like it when I downloaded the real version of this song and I fell in love with it right there and then.

Post note: there was this one guy who introduced me as Ana to his friends. I thought that’s Very sweeeeeet okayh but a friend of mine who was there found it annoying and according to her that nickname does not suite me at all. Haha..One of the reasons thermodynamics class/tutorial was never missed. Sadly, the feeling comes and goes. No matter how excited I was in the beginning, it fades away. Well, younger days. ;D

about him

This is the 10^th Ramadhan without him.

I was 5 when I was all so clingy and wanted bike ride in the evening. Stopped at some stall for roti canai and teh ais.

I was 6 when I followed him to the paddy field and got lost. I was very panic since I could not find him anywhere. I nearly cried but I knew I did not. I panic but I tried my best to find my way back.

I came home running, smiling. I proudly told him that my tok guru (quran teacher) said I could start reciting quran for the next class. For us kids back then, it was such an achievement if you could pass the muqaddam test and proceed to read Al-quran. The next day, he came home with a red Al-quran and ordered rehal (beautifully carved woods to place the quran while reading). I marched to the class pompously- all confident to start my quran lesson. I was 7.

I define that as the most precious gift that I ever received.

I was in boarding school when my warden called me into her office and broke the news. One of the two important men in my life had gone. The kind of “gone” that I couldn’t just search facebook or google to find his whereabout or just for a few hours to the paddy field and came back home tired. Then, who would buy me my favourite roti canai and teh ais or wake me up for subuh (fajr) prayer. I was not very shock since deep down my heart I knew he would not stay longer but I never expected that sooner. So I thanked my warden and asked permission to go back to class. I looked out the window and tears were strolling my cheeks. The grass outside never been that greener. I felt something had been snatched away. I felt lost. What would I do to cope with the fact that from that day onwards, there would be no him during semester breaks. So I cried. I cried silently in my sleep, in my prayers for the next few weeks.

The last few years, I searched for a torchlight for whatever reasons. That was 5 years after he’d gone. Then. I saw his baju melayu hang on the railings, and I cried right there and then. I guess that’s the effect when you dearly love someone and you miss them terribly. I think people cry because they miss people they love who love them even more.

I think I cry because I miss him so much sometimes. The accumulated portion of miss. And knowing that was one of the best blessing in my life, I should be more grateful. Not everyone has the opportunity to live with their grandfather like I did. Not just live together, the memories created and shared, the lessons. So yeap, Alhamdulillah.

Al fatihah to my dearest wan- Darus Bin Abu.

:)

* "For the rest of my life" was very popular back in 2010. the carefree time with assumption of no morning class to attend even though there was. i remember we went out for lunch on a fine sunday and the song was on air. well, yeah the music is soothing, the lyrics are OK. i don't give much care of it and obviously not listed as my favourite. but, one of the lyrics really really really captured my heart;
guess which one?

"..and i pray we're be together in Jannah..."

tears strolling down out of nowhere right there and then.

as muslims, we all know, getting there alone is not an easy road. there are so many hurdles yet it is possible. and to reach there with someone you think you love now but maybe after few years of marriage you might bore each other. i don't know. i haven't been there yet but hopefully, i can love my future partner as much as i love my parents and maybe, just maybe with His blessing, He would lend me someone who can love me as much as my parents do. InsyaAllah. Truthfully, I don't expect much since I'm not that good either. After all,it's already mentioned in Quran; Perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik and vice versa. I have so many flaws, really. uncountable. I'll try to improve bit by bit (especially this month is a good practice to do a turning point little by little).

I've read a lot of english/malay story books/novels back in primary/high school. most of the plot stories, if not much, always involve about love and such. from there, I've made some mental definition of love. Mother's love is always and always and always in the purest form of love. Like, seriously. Moms can accept all our strengths/weaknesses and behaviours. they tell us to bounce higher. to do something better. to never give up. most importantly, they accept us as we are. if there are crook habits in us somewhere along the way, they'll make it straight. it's really not an easy job, but they do it anyway. that's what i define love. that is one main reason why we girls have to find someone who is capable to love us like our mothers do, and to love him back like his mom loves him; willing to understand us and we too are willing to understand back; to grow old together.
i have fond memories of my late grandfather and my grandmother. I could see how much he loved her till his final days. when I think about him, I could never thank Allah enough for letting him to be a part of my life for 14 years. And I'm glad he bought me a very precious gift that still can be used untill now or 50 years from now even :)

Lets be someone better than yesterday :)

tafakur

lagu yang terpaling deep lyrics and meaning dalam semua-semua lagu. yang ada di playlist tapi jarang gila dengar sebab dalam folder called nasyid. tapi bila dengar once in a while, ya Allah, rasa jauh gila, rasa kerdil gila. semua masalah-masalah dunia tenggelam bila sedar ada masalah yang lagi besar. masalah dengan tuhan bila mana penghijab kalbu between diri dengan tuhan menebal. astaghfirullah.

Tafakur-Zikraa

"Pimpinlah aku dalam redhaMu, kasihi aku dalam rahmatMu, hanya kau tempat ku mengadu, ya Allah ya tuhanku"

Budi manusia pun kita kenang, inikan pula budi Allah pada kita. huhu..

maybe this is the finding for last week's sadness. so its true, there must be a reason for everything. maybe we dont know but He knows best. hands down.

Good night.

thank you

too bad this blog is mute for the past weeks.

All in all, Alhamdulillah.

-there's still food to eat on the table.
-there's still book to read.
-there's still air to breathe.
-there's still time to repent.
-there's still love to share.
-there's still days to look forward to.
-there's still hopes even small to hold on to.

all in all, alhamdulillah.

hope

how can you actually define hope?
how?

hope. that is one big word. maybe as big as discipline in my term.
maybe as big as passion.

i don't know. and at this point of time, i don't think i wanna know.

you know what hurts the most? for being hopefull towards something but in the end it doesn't belong to you. no matter how hard you try. then, you try to be hopeless towards that thing, whatever you want to define that thing, but in the end you still get dissapointed because even you already ignore it the max, it still is bothering your thought. it still lingers around. it's hard to admit, that you might actually ignore it, but you still care for it. you still yearn for it. you still want it.

so maybe here's the point where you should really look closely. maybe the more you want it, the more you think about it, the more you are stepping away from Allah. one of my my good friend used to say;

what you think during performing solah, might be the reasons for the gap between you and Allah.



and now, please replace the word you with I; and it with him.

conclusion: besides hope, redha is also a big word. big big word.

and you think wrongly if you think i'm talking about him instead of you. this is for you. and only you.

letting go for the first time was hard but the second time is harder. and I'm trying. doakan.

the butterfly effect

please. save me from another draft of forgotten post. please.

i started to feel scared and insecure. i don't want to lose the ambience of excitement; of feeling the adrenaline rush when i did something spontaneous (stupid, for some). the more i think of it, the more the bleak is. of course the best thing in life is when we know what we want to do next without losing grip of reality; which is to appreciate the present. the present. in the morning, i'm looking forward to the evening. when evening is there, i'm looking forward for the night. and in the night i'm longing for the morning. yeap, i do eventho it's working day. i should stop looking forward, aint i? i should just enjoy what is here. here with me.

talking about time, that brought me back to the butterfly effect. i watched the first one, starring Ashton Kutcher (my bestfriend and I used to drool whenever the sight of him greeted us in the magazine when we were still the high-schoolers). so this movie has this so-called alternate endings. well, i think it suits the most with the theme as the main character could go back to the past and fix thing. that's the thing about this one. i was always wondering if i could have another chance to re-do things, to fix the problem, to say what i've always wanted to say without worrying about the consequences because if this real life is that movie and if i were the main character has this power to go back, i'd definitely gonna say what's there in my mind. or do things. like, bungee jumping. ors slap people. or put up my hand and answer the question that i didn't even know what the answers are. or just simply go to you, and bravely say "dude, I'm always waiting for you to say something fisrt. if you say yes, i'd breach the contract for you." even if i got rejected, ashamed of what i did or said, i could always go back and fix it. i'd leave the words hanging in my mind. so that's the thing. this real life is not the butterfly effect. i don't brave enough to take chances, let alone take the big risk especially when your future, or friendship or relationship, or careeer is at stake. the real life butterfly effect is we get to choose one way, and there's no way we could go back. we just have to pretend/accept the choice we made was/is good enough. even if it doesnt hold on to it and make it better.

on the other note, one of the endings has Oasis' stop crying your heart out as the soundtrack. couldn't be better, that one! you don't encounter a movie with a wow effect so frequent in your life. as for me, this one- the butterfly effect- is one of them!

be therefor you

yeah, the title speaks for itself.
i dont usually know what i'm gonna write.when i wanted to write, i just did. i dont really care about the post title, just randomly mentioned about things. that's a sign of flexbile (maybe) and might be also showing how fickle i am. it's for you to judge, and me to decide.

as i am writing right now, i feel so much grateful for having certain people that seem to be there when i need them. everytime. that equals to my guilty for always letting them down due to my ego or to do what i wanted to do.

let me give you an example:
I hate watching cartoon. okay, hate is a strong word. i dislike watching cartoon except cinderella, beauty and the beast (and all that related to earlier disney production). most of my girl friends loveee cartoons. and most of them, too, don't like scary/patriot/boring movies like the shawshank redemption, or perfume the perfect story of a murderer or those traslated Dan Brown's books into movie which i like very much. when the movies are out i practically forced them to watch the movies with me. well, these type of genre might not be their preference, but they still like it. what i'm trying to say here is, i always give excuses not to tag along when it comes to cartoons. mind you, i never invented any excusesbut all of sudden i have something to read, or to do assignments, or to have me-time or to play squash. those said excuses and can actually be postponed but i choose to do them instead of going to cinema with them.

there's a tad proof of selfish there. i know.

so when i am thinking of it right now, it's time to be more flexible. life is all about give and take. i could not just take, but i also have to give. and vice versa.

there's a point in my life where i think i give too much that i should. love, that was. here's the thing about love. sometimes, we love the wrong person for the wrong reason. I mean, what would i love that much to a person that would not even want to have plans with me? it was hard when you were the only one who tried to keep the fire burning while the other rather let it died. yeah i know. i was young and immature. but luckily, i managed to struggle to move on without being hopeless and waiting for something that would never be mine. regret? yeap. i regret those time spent thinking, wondering, hoping that there was a slight chance for us. i regret for the time i was deeply sad for things not behave the way i wanted them to be. it was hard. really. but it also came together with some messages if we look at it closely;

1. we can be as much as hopefull as we want, however bear in mind, Allah has a better plan for you.
2. we can actually teach ourselves to feel.
3. respect ourselves, first and foremost. if we don't get what we want, life doesnt end because of that. we can either pursue, or let it go. fully let it go.
4. and it's true. Allah will not burden us more than we can bear. we might fail a few times even after a few trials. like i still am failing in that so many aspects that i want to improve. but like i said in the previous post, fighting against our weaknesses is part of jihad. lets do it!

Life. it's wonderful, isn't it?

i've read somewhere about this:

"Melawan kelemahan diri merupakan salah satu jihad. mungkin hanya jihad kecil, tapi tetap jihad."